Finding Myself
by SparkleInTheSun
Summary: She just needs to find herself, she doesn't know who she is anymore. She doesn't know what to do with her life. Trailer inside.
1. Trailer

**Three best friends... **

"_Full moons aren't that bad, it's a good excuse for a sleepover." _

**One of them loses their way.. **

"_Why are you hanging around with them? You're going to become just like them!" _

"_Well maybe I got fed up of hanging around with losers like you." _

**They start losing her...**

"_You missed English today, I copied down some notes for you." _

"_Whatever, screw English and screw you. Loser." _

**Nobody can see the pain she is in.. **

_I look around my bedroom, so dark and lonely._

_I look down at my arms, covered in cuts, filled with my pain._

_But nobody can ever see them, nobody will ever know.. _

**Her parents worry about her.. **

"_She skipped school again today."_

"_I don't know what to do about her anymore, I don't know how to help her." _

**Her old friends warned to stay away from her.. **

"_Hey!" _

"_Look we ain't allowed to speak to you anymore, just leave us alone. Sorry. Bye." _

**They think sending her away is the only way to help her.. **

"_I don't know how to help you anymore." _

"_Maybe I don't want help, did you ever think of that?" _

"_You need help though, did you ever think of that?" _

**She thinks she is ready.. **

"_I am ready though, please Dad, let me come home."_

"_I can't, you're not ready yet. That much is clear to me." _

"_Fine then, but you're making a massive mistake. You're going to regret this." _

**She admits everything... **

_"I smoke pot and cigarettes, I drink, I mess around with boys, I sneak out late, I go to parties, I cut myself, I sell pot, I steal money and pills from you two, I ignore my best friends, I constantly think about suicide and I don't know why..."_

**Will she get the help she needs? **

**Will she accept herself for who she is?**

**Find out soon in "Finding Myself." **

**By Rikki01**


	2. Chapter 1

_**Okay, so this is my new story =] I hope you enjoy it. It's going to be a bit dark, and I may change the title after a while when I can think of something better =] **_

_**Thank you for reading! **_

_**Thank you for any reviews. **_

_**-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**_

**Chapter One **

"Right, so it's my house tonight?" I nod at Emma and Cleo grins,

"Full moons are okay now, don't you think? It's a good excuse for a sleepover." She giggles, I just shake my head at her and laugh, she is right though, it is a very good excuse for a girls night in.

"Oh God, Avril is coming." Emma rolled her eyes, I turned around and smiled at the girl walking towards us,

"She is not that bad guys." Cleo laughed at me and then looked nervously at Emma,

"Hey." I nodded at Avril and watched as Emma and Cleo tried to ignore her,

"Want a smoke?" I look at the cigarette in her hand, looking as she puts it in her mouth, grinning at me. Emma shakes her head and grabs Cleo's arm,

"No thanks. We have to go. Come on Rikki."

"I will catch up in a minute."

"Rikki!" Cleo grits her teeth before Emma drags her away from Avril, I shrug at Avril as she hands me the cigarette. I slowly put it to my mouth,

"Don't suck it in too hard." I nod at her and inhale the smoke gently, coughing when I pull it back out of my mouth. I hand it back to her, and smile.

"You know, you're actually cool Chadwick. Even if you do hang out with those two losers."

"Those two losers are my best friends." I sigh as I wave at them behind me. Emma looks at me in disgust, I can't wait for the lecture I am going to get from her tonight.

"Right, sorry." Avril mutters as she hands it back to me, I nod at her and such in the smoke once more.

"I better go before they kill me."

"Yeah, see you around Chadwick." I hand it back to her and run off to join Emma and Cleo.

"What the hell were you thinking?"

"Oh come on guys, live a little." I roll my eyes at their annoying innocence, as if they haven't even thought about trying.

"Can we just forget it?" Emma nods and looks down, I know she wants to give me the lecture of my life, but I really can't be bothered for another argument with her, plus I think Cleo warned her before I came over. Cleo smiles at me and then grabs my hand as we walk to Emma's.

Tonight won't be so bad after all.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"I know Dad, but still.."

"Look Rikki, there is no way out of this. You're going to your Mums for the weekend and that's the end of it." I sigh as I look at him, "But that's not fair, I have plans.."

"You haven't seen her in ages."

"And who's fault is that?" I mutter, as I start walking out of the door "Where do you think you're going?"

"To tell Emma and Cleo that I am being sent away for the whole weekend." I slam the door behind me as I carry on walking, ignoring his calls from behind me. It wasn't fair, she goes traveling for a whole year, and as soon as she comes back she thinks she can walk into my life again. I hate her so much sometimes, she walked out on me when she divorced my Dad ten years ago. I would have been fine just leaving it at that, but then she had to get contact with us after four years, and then just when I was getting close to her, she decided to go off with her new boyfriend traveling for a whole year. And now she wants me back, I sigh loudly as I carry on walking to Emma's house. We were going to have another sleepover, we had everything planned but now I am stuck spending a whole three days with someone I don't even get on with.

"Hey."

"What you doing here so early?"

"I can't come tonight." I look at Emma and sigh,

"Why not?"

"Dad wants me to spend time with my Mum. I am stuck there for the whole weekend." I jump up on the kitchen counter as Emma starts making us a drink. I sigh as she hands it to me,

"I don't even get on with her Emma, he knows that, I don't see why he is so intent on me spending time with her."

"Maybe he wants you to have a mother in your life."

"I guess, I know he didn't when he was my age, I can see why he would want me to. But still.." I wrinkle my nose in disgust,

"She left us, she didn't care about me for ages after she left and then out of nowhere she suddenly wanted to see me again." I sigh as Emma looks at me strangely,

"What?"

"You never talk about your Mum."

"I know, it's not an easy thing to talk about sometimes. I always used to blame myself for her leaving when I was younger, she never phoned or anything for four whole years, my Dad would cry all the time. She ruined everything, we were happy until the left, it seemed like we were never good enough for her. You know?" Emma nods and then puts her arms around me, I gratefully accept the sudden act of comfort, as I put my own arms around her.

"I don't know if I should hate her, or love her..."

"Just make an effort this weekend, try and get on, and see how it goes." I smile at Emma, she always gives the best advice, even if the answer seems so simple.

"I should get going." I jump off the counter quickly,

"She is picking me up in about an hour. Wish me luck."

"Good luck, will miss you tonight."

"Yeah, yeah." I grin at her as I quickly run out of the house, feeling a lot better about the visit now. Maybe it wouldn't be as bad as I think it will, maybe she has changed, and maybe I have grown up a little so there won't be that many arguments. I smile to myself as I walk down the road, Dad would be happy about it all. He seemed concerned lately, I didn't have anyone motherly to look up to, I don't really think I need someone but everyone else seems to think that everyone needs one. I guess, sometimes people can be right about certain things.

"Dad?"

"Rikki?"

"Who else would it be?" I smile at him and kiss him gently on the cheek before walking to my bedroom to pack a suitcase.

"You're in a better mood."

"I know, I had a discussion about everything with Emma, she helped a lot."

"That's good, so you're okay with going now?"

"Yeah I guess, it can't be that bad. Can it?" I wrinkle my nose, thinking of the worst for a moment, but then I shake my head, it will be okay, we have both had a long time to grow up a little more than the last time I was there.

"No, if course not. She seems a lot happier now when I spoke to her on the phone last night."

"That's good." I carry on packing clothes as Dad walks up behind me,

"How long do you think you're going for?" He laughs at me as he picks up a black and red T-shirt from my open suitcase.

"I don't know where she is going to take me or anything do I? I need clothes for every possible occasion." I grin at him, as he kissed me on the cheek

"Whatever you say love." I nod and then carry on packing, I turn around to look at him when I am done and he just shakes his head.

"Finally." He rolls his eyes as he walks out of my room, I laugh at him as I walk out behind him, no problem telling who I got my sarcasm from.

"Your Mother will be here soon."

"Cool." I sit down on the settee as he starts making her usual coffee,

"Do you still love her Dad?"

"I don't think I do," He sets down the mug in front of him and looks like he is thinking for a moment,

"I used to love her more than anything, but I guess as time goes on I started to realize just how unhappy we both were together."

"It wouldn't have worked out then? No matter what you did?"

"I don't think so, it just would have got a lot worse." I pause for a moment, trying to think of more questions, I have always had so many, just never had a good enough reason to ask them.

"Why did you get custody Dad?" I look behind me, to see his face, I had never really asked it before, I had always wondered why him and not Mum. I mean, they usually get the children from what I have heard.

"She wanted to do stuff... that didn't include children.."

"Like?"

"Traveling for one, she wanted to work a lot. Social Services didn't think she would be capable of looking after you full time because she was out a lot, drinking and bringing new men home all the time. She has changed now though, a lot, she has that new boyfriend, and she seems to be settling down a lot."

"Oh... that's something then." I smile at him as I turn back towards the door, she wasn't capable of looking after me, that's why she left, because I was just a burden. I was the one thing holding her back, along with Dad, and she gave us both up within a second. I sigh as I hold back the tears threatening to fall from my eyes. I wouldn't let her make me cry again, I gave up on her ages ago. I wasn't about to start letting her make me feel like this again.

It wasn't long until she picked me up, thankfully she was on her own, I hadn't even met her boyfriend but I wasn't sure about him yet. He seemed like a decent enough guy, but still. She told me how she had moved house, into his house. She talked non stop about her traveling and everything she did. She showed me photographs when we finally got to her house, I was glad for the conversation, I didn't really have much to tell on my part. She seemed a lot happier than the last time I saw her, she looked better as well. I smile and nod when it seems appropriate, and laugh when she does. All the while looking around at the new life she has made for herself, the life I want when I am older. Only, I want to be earning all the money and not depending on some man. I smile to myself, she couldn't have managed any of this without the help of a rich man she has found. She has completed all her dreams, maybe now she can focus on being a proper Mum. I have to be on her list of things to do somewhere.

That evening we all sit around the table, Mum, Michael (Her 'wonderful' boyfriend.) and his daughter, Cassie. "So Rikki, how do you like school?"

"It's okay, it's a lot easier than I ever thought it would be. I am on an average C at the moment. My best friend, Emma wants to get it up to a B though."

"You're having help?" Mum looks at me as she gulps down her food, I gently nod,

"Not majorly, just having study sessions at Emma and Cleo's house. And sometimes Zane's. Lewis enjoys helping sometimes, but he is too geeky for me so I try to ignore his Science lectures."

I smile at her as I look down at the food in front of me, not something I would get at home, I wouldn't be sitting at the table either. "Who is Zane? And Lewis?" Cassie speaks up, I look at her and then back down at my food.

"Lewis is one of my best friends I guess, he also goes out with Cleo. And Zane is my boyfriend..." Mum looks shocked when I say this, I frown at her suprise, I don't look that bad do I?

"How long have you been dating?" Cassie carries on, distracting me from my Mum for a second.

"Just over a year, he is amazing." I smile widely as I think about him. The best thing that's ever happened to me, he gets on with my Dad, he kind of gets on with my friends and he is just amazing in general.

"Wow. Long time then. Do you have a photograph?" Mum finally says, I nod at her as I dig into my jeans pocket, pulling out a small photograph of the both of us at the beach.

"Nice." She smiles and nods in approval as she shows Michael. I grin at her,

"His Dad's a Doctor."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, and he is a big buisness man as well. Zane loves all stuff like that, he is really good in school. He goes to a different school than me now though, he goes to a small private one." I wrinkle my nose at the thought, it wasn't fair that he had be taken away from me during school time. I missed him a lot then, but I always had Emma and Cleo.

"He sounds like a really nice person."

"Yeah, he is really cool. He rides motorbikes and he has his own boat called the Zodiac. He is quite a good swimmer as well." I smile at my own bragging, but I have to let her know I am doing fine with Dad. I have to make sure she knows how happy I am there.

"Do you swim?" Michael suddenly changes the conversation, catching me off guard for a second, I nod my head

"Yeah, Emma, Cleo and I love swimming. We go a lot." I grin and nod my head at him,

"Maybe you can swim in our pool out back then?" I shake my head,

"I only like the sea to be honest, we like the freedom it gives us I guess." I shrug as though it's no big deal. I didn't really want to go into the whole, 'Guess what Mum? I am a mermaid!' I don't really think she will appreciate it, and she would probably stick me in some mental unit.

"Look I am really sorry about this but we have to go." I look up at them both for a moment, was it something I said?

"Why?"

"We have a prior engagement we couldn't get out of to get to, I am really sorry but it's important." I nod at them as they both get up to leave,

"Sure. I will clean all this up."

"Thank you so much Darling. We will only be a few hours. Love you." I watch as she runs after Michael and sigh loudly,

"I am going for a swim," Cassie gets up off the table, I nod at her

"Sure you don't wanna come?" I smile

"Yeah, I will just do the dishes and then probably go to bed."

"Oh okay then, see you later."

I am almost fed up of this be nice routine already, it's not really my thing. I sigh as I pick up the plates, walking over to the kitchen. I look around quickly, noticing the bottle of wine on the counter. Setting the plates down, I take one more look around. Who would notice anyway?

I pick up the bottle and smile to myself, it's just a little something, just to take away my pain and loneliness. It can't do any harm, can it?

I gulp down the warm liquid, it burns the back of my throat after the first taste, but then it feels fine. It's just like any other drink I have tasted, I smile to myself as I drink some more. It's exactly what everyone says it is; Takes away all feelings. Exactly what I want.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

I slam the door behind me as I storm into my bedroom, not paying any attention to my Dad calling on my name and banging my door. I wipe away the tears that are falling down my face as I run to my CD player, putting the volume on full blast. I lay on my bed and close my eyes, how dare he dump me? I hate him so much, just when I was happy, and now everything is ruined. I turn around and scream into my pillow, I hate him so much, I can't believe he would do this to me... I thought we were happy. He likes someone else, someone better, I know it. His stupid excuse, I was too rebellious for him. He knew from the start what I am like, he said he liked that part of me. And now it's the reason he dumps me, well I will show him, I will show everyone, exactly what rebellion is. I sit up and look around my room for my mobile, it was time I learned how to grow up anyway and stop hanging around with two losers, that's what Avril called them, I never saw it before, but everything was so boring. They were both good in school, I never had been. I was the odd on out all the time, I didn't get along with them that well anyway, we always argued, neither of them agreed with most of the stuff I say or do. It was time I moved on from them, wasn't it? I sigh to myself, they are my best friends, but I can't be around them anymore. It's suffocating, I need time, time to think and just breathe. I needed time away from the whole mermaid thing, it was too many secrets. Too much to handle.

I smile when I find the person I am looking for, my hand starts to shake as I press the call button. This was for the best, I had to do it.

"Hello? Avril?"

"Chadwick? Hey! What is it?"

"I was wondering if you could come over, I was a bit bored and I have nothing else to do.."

"Yeah sure, where 'bouts do you live?" I close my eyes as I tell her my address and smile when she says she will be right over. When I hang up I run around my room, cleaning it up and hiding the bears I kept from my younger years. Satisfied with my work, I nod to myself and then sit down on my bed, waiting for my new friend to come around. It was better this way anyway, Cleo and Emma would understand one day, I know they will.

I jump when my phone goes off, _'I am outside. Avril.' _I nod and slowly go out of my room, not even looking at my Dad, I run to the door, trying to ignore his questions about what's wrong with me. I didn't have time for him anymore, he loved Zane, how could I tell him that precious Zane broke my heart? There was no chance.

I grinned at Avril when I opened the door and grabbed her hand, she was dressed in her usual all black, with her eyeliner carved deeply into her skin. Her face pale, her hair long and black, and the choice of clothing, she looked exactly like the type of person my Dad would not want me to be hanging around with. I nod at him as we both walk past him and straight to my bedroom, almost laughing at the look on his face.

"Who is this Rikki?"

"Avril, she goes to school with me. What's it to you?"

"I didn't say you could have friends around." I roll my eyes at his emphasis on the words friends,

"Yeah well, whatever." I grab Avril's hand and pull her into my bedroom, slamming the door behind us and locking the door. I shake my head and roll my eyes when she looks at me,

"Dad's," I laugh and then lay down on my bed, Avril quickly follows after turning the music up a little. I watch as she pulls out something from her pocket,

"Want some?"

"What is it?" She shrugs gently and then looks at me,

"Pot."

"Sure, I guess." I gulp nervously,

"It's good, it makes you forget everything, feel nothing.." I nod and then take some from her, she lights it for me and I put it in my mouth.

"Don't inhale deeply, see if you can have better luck with this." I laugh at her as I inhale the fumes, grinning as I feel... nothing. I giggle to myself, almost not even noticing Avril next to me, I turn to her suddenly, watching her as she smokes the pot. Copying her every action, giggling with every breath I inhale, watching as she does the same. I feel so free and so happy for once, and it feels like nothing matters anymore. It feels so good as I just lay here with Avril, smoking something I once promised myself I would never do. It feels so right...


	5. Chapter 4

_**Sorry about the language in this, there is only about two swear words but still :) You can all blame Gemma (H20CasualtyiCarly) I think that's her name xD Maybe it's icarly then Casualty.. anyway. I asked her for another word for loser... and that's what she came up with :P **_

_**Thank you for reviewing and for reading xD **_

_**Love you all **_

_**Chelly May xx**_

_**-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
**_

**Chapter 4**

I grin at Avril when I see her in school the next day in her usual hang out place, the place where I will now be hanging out with, to the horror of Emma and Cleo. I grab a cigarette from her as I walk over to her, Avril nods at me.

"You look great." I look down at my clothes, grinning, black jeans and my normal red and black top, I copied her eyeliner and other makeup last night. I rolled my eyes when I saw Zane,

"Is that the twat that dumped you?" I nodded at her and just shook my head,

"His loss though, right?" She grins at me and nods,

"You're right there." She sighed loudly and inhaled the smoke from her own cigarette, I nodded and then looked at Zane once more, he was talking about me, anyone could see that. I tutted loudly and then stomped out my cigarette when a teacher started walking towards us,

"Come on, lets just go to our lesson." I sigh as we walk off towards English, I ignored the stares from Emma, Cleo and Lewis as I walked in with Avril, completely ignoring the seat they usually saved for me and instead sitting next to Avril and her friends. I spent the whole lesson ignoring the looks I was getting from my former friends as we all giggled and talked throughout the whole lesson. I realize, that this is how things are going to be from now on.

I sighed as I waited for my Dad outside the school, it was parents evening, a lecture I had not been looking forward to. I had been doing so well in school for a while, now I have gone back to my old routine of failing. It's going to be staying in and studying sessions again, he thinks that I should learn from him, and make something of myself. But that doesn't mean I have to get amazing grades like everyone thinks I should, don't they see that I am not even capable of getting above a C? I never have been and I never will be, they should all learn to accept that.. Especially tonight, when Dad is going to kick off about my lowering grades, I sigh as he gets to the door of the main building,

"Lets hope you get good results to make up for your behavior at home." I sigh and look away from him,

"Whatever." I fold my arms across my chest as we carry on walking, I don't care if he grounds me anyway, there is always the window. I will always win.

I walk over to Avril and Simon when we enter the main hall, Dad just tuts as I walk off from him and I see him go over to Mrs Gilbert and Emma. Sighing, I just turn my back on them and their gossip and grin at Simon. He was the one who supplied everyone with their drugs, he was older than us of course, but that's what made him so much more interesting I guess. I giggle when he puts his arm around me and watch as he slyly slips Avril something. She winks at me as she puts it down her bra and then starts laughing, I shake my head at her as I join in the laughter, ignoring the looks I keep getting from Emma and her Mum.

_**~ Emma ~ **_

I stare at Rikki, I have no idea what has gotten into her lately, she has completely ditched Cleo and I, and it happened as soon as Zane dumped her. Maybe this is her way of dealing with it all, maybe she will snap out of it and realize who her real friends are after a while.. I really hope so. "Who is that guy?" I look at Rikki's Dad as he stops his conversation with my Mum and looks over at his daughter, I shake my head

"His name is Simon, he is rumored to be the local drug dealer."

"How old is he?"

"About 23 years old I think... I don't think Rikki would be doing drugs though... I don't think she would even think about it.."

"That was the old Rikki, I have no idea what is going through her mind at the moment. I guess I should have known this was coming." I sighed and looked at my Mum,

"I hope Emma's doesn't come anytime soon." She laughs, he nods and then looks back at Rikki.

"I wish she would start talking to me again."

"And me." I mutter, shaking my head and looking down at the floor, refusing to let the tears fall down my face.

"I don't know why she is hanging around with that Avril girl, and Simon. There is only one word to describe them two, and that is trouble." Mum whispers to us both, I nod and Rikki's Dad seems to agree. She is right though, and Rikki can only get into trouble when she is hanging around them, and I have this feeling that she is already in too deep, she is way out of her depth right now and nobody, not even herself, knows what to do about it.

_**~ Rikki ~**_

"They are staring at you." Avril laughs as she wrinkles her nose, I nod at her and then look over at the three people across the room.

"Let them, I don't care." I shrug them off and then look at Simon.

"I bet Emma's mum is talking about you," He nods and then laughs for a moment before going back to the solemn glance he keeps throughout any conversation anyone has with him. I laugh and then look back over to them, they annoy me so much sometimes. I have no idea what she has said to him, but Dad looks pissed off. He looks ready to kill me and he hasn't even seen any teachers yet, I sigh as I say a muttered goodbye to them both when he calls me over.

"If he grounds me I may be a little late, but I will see you later." I wink at them as I carry on walking ahead, dreading the evening ahead. I nod once at Emma, not smiling and then look at my Dad

"What?"

"We have to go around to see your teachers now, move it."

"I was having a conversation."

"I don't care Rikki Chadwick," Oh he was so annoyed, I almost laughed at his red face, if this was a cartoon there would be steam coming out of his ears right now, I close my eyes and picture the image, holding back the laughter,

"Now come on." He frowns at me, and I look at Emma

"What did you say to him?" She seems surprised by the question, but I know she has said something, otherwise he wouldn't be like this.

"Nothing Rikki, don't be so paranoid."

"Paranoid? You obviously did say something, tell me what you said." I clench my shaking hands into a fist as a warning and she looks at my fist to my face, and shakes her head,

"Nothing, we just told him that Simon was trouble."

"What? So I can't have other friends now? Maybe I didn't want to be stuck hanging around with you and Cleo for the rest of my school life, so how about you stop informing my Dad of everything and get a life. I don't care anymore Emma. But don't even think about trying to turn my Dad against me and my friends again." I grin evilly at her and then turn away, ignoring the look from Mrs Gilbert. I hear Avril laugh and I grin to myself, that felt so good, and the look on Emma's face...

---

"How could you?"

"Oh whatever Dad, because you were so perfect in school!"

"I never said I was Rikki, that's the point."

"I don't care about school, it's like a prison. Now just leave me alone." I push past him and storm to my bedroom, slamming the door and turning my music up. A routine we have both been getting used to recently. I ran to the mirror and looked at myself angrily, I hated him so much. What gave him the right to lecture me on my grades when he is working in a dead end job with no hopes of a promotion? How dare he. I shake my head and then look around my room, grabbing the scissors on top of my desk. Smiling to myself, I think about how I need to grow up and how much I have to change. I nod and then sigh loudly, closing my eyes as I think about what I am going to do. It will look so much better, so much nicer... I nod and then grin at my own reflection as I take the scissors to my long, blonde, curly hair. I watch as the hair falls piece by piece, not letting the tears fall down my face. I have to do this, I have to change. I know that.

When I am done I look in the mirror, nodding in approval at my new hair style. It doesn't look that bad, not as bad as I thought it would. I grin and then look around for something to clean up the hair on the floor, before I escape out of my bedroom window to meet Avril. Settling on a towel to gather it all in, I take one last look in the mirror before silently opening my window and sneaking out. Grinning to myself when I breathe in the fresh air.


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 **

I laugh as I stand outside the school gates with Avril and her friends. I was becoming part of their group now, it had been two whole weeks since this all started; And to be honest, I was enjoying myself most of the time. I puffed on the cigarette in my hand and then rolled my eyes when Emma and Cleo seemed to be approaching us, I missed them so much, but I couldn't let anyone know that; Not even them. They were my best friends, and I have just left them, I feel bad but they are better off without me holding them back, it's better this way. It's better for them, I just ruin everything for them, I always have, I never should have let myself get close to them, I didn't deserve friends like Emma and Cleo, I never have and I never will.

"Rikki... You didn't come to English yesterday, I copied out some notes for you if you want to go over them later?"Emma looked at me hopefully, I looked at Avril,helpless for a moment, but she just laughed to herself and turned away from me. I took one more look at her and then back at Emma and Cleo,

"Screw English, screw your notes and screw you." I filled my words with such venom, as much as I could find, just so they would leave it, leave me. I was trouble, that's all I was, I was turning into the people their parents have warned them to stay away from, I just want them to be safe; And sometimes the only way to make them give up on me, is to be horrible to them. And I don't feel like bringing them down with me, it's not fair on two such amazing people. I didn't ever deserve them before, I see that now. I sigh as I look at their faces drop, and they walk away quietly.

"Yes walk away losers!" I shake my head at Avril,

"Don't rub it in." She just shrugs and lights another cigarette for herself. I watch as they walk away, I had everything before and now I have... nothing. I have the one thing I wanted and that is about it; I don't feel anything, no pain and no upset anymore. But it doesn't feel as good as I always thought it would... I miss them. I miss the life I made for myself. The life I have ruined because of my weakness.

"Hey want to get out of this prison after?" I nod at Avril, we were both sitting at the back of Science, doing nothing really as per usual. I sigh as I look at the board, not really understanding anything the teacher was going on about; I never did anymore. When the bell finally goes, I grab my bag and walk out as fast as I can.

"We have to run.." Avril whispers, winking at me,

"Oh God."

"Simon is meeting us by the gates, the teachers won't care once we get past them and then they will probably phone home if they see us." I shrug,

"Nobody is home anyway." Avril laughs as we look around us quickly,

"Just walk for a moment, and then when I tell you, run!" I nod at her and grin, the adrenaline rush was amazing sometimes, the excitement of it all was something I had been yearning to feel for so long.

"RUN!" I nod at her and laugh as I see the French teacher start walking towards us, Avril gets there before me and jumps over the pointless school gate, I soon follow, grinning widely when I see Simon, with more drugs probably..

It was all a blur after that, I had never felt so good but so bad at the same time. We ran from the school, along with Simon, ending up in town, then Avril started taking stuff from all the shops. I soon got the hint and copied her, with her informing me she wore some of it and sold the rest for money for pot. I nod at her as I grab stuff, ignoring the looks of other customers as we giggled.

It wasn't long till we almost got caught, I remember running as fast as we could, away from it all. I remember walking to my house, well trailer, but the bits in between fade into one misty memory (Something that seems to happen a lot when I am around Simon and Avril)

I giggle as we enter my bedroom, collapsing on the floor, soon joined by Simon. Avril sits on my bed, lighting her fourth batch of pot "Don't be so selfish." I giggle loudly as I hold out my hand to her, Avril quickly hands me my own and I don't take anytime in lighting it with the help of Simon. I watch him as he moves to one side, looking at me, watching my every move.

"I will be right back, I need to pee." Avril giggles as she trips over my leg on her way to the bathroom, I just shake my head at her and then look at Simon, who is still laying next to me with his head on his hand, laying on one side. I don't think anything of it as he leans in to kiss me on the lips, I let him, not even thinking properly, since hanging out with them, I have kissed a lot of guys, and done more. It's no big deal anymore. I laugh as he lays on top of me, and he grins,

"You're very beautiful." He whispers, I look away blushing, not noticing him pull something out of his pocket.

"Try some of this. It's a lot better... It does exactly what you want it to. It makes you forget everything. I promise" I look at the packet in his hands, containing a white powder, I nod at him as I take it from him, staring at the perfectly white powder in wonder. He giggles a little as he lifts up my chin and kisses me again,

"How much do you want for it?" I say as we both pull away for a moment,

"This is enough." He looks at me and then down at the position we are both in, I grin at him, nodding and then kissing him full on. I hear the door open but I don't look up, I don't care anymore. I feel his hand crawling up my stomach, but I don't think anything of it. I close my eyes for a moment, remembering a time when I would be shaking with discomfort, a time when I would feel nervous about it; Even with Zane, the person I think I love. I don't know what's happened to me, I am not even sure if it's a good thing or not. I don't know anything anymore, I don't even recognize the mirror image looking back at me anymore... I don't know who I am, who I am becoming.... I don't think anybody does anymore to be honest.


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6 **

"Rikki eat your tea," Dad looked at me, with a stern look as he usually did these days. I laughed at him dismissively, he just shook his head at me; An action he had acquired lately. I slowly push my plate away as I get up out of my seat and head for my bedroom.

"Avril is coming over in a minute, I ain't hungry anyway."

"Sit down and eat your tea now!"

"Whatever Terry." I look at the hurt and surprise on his face when I say his name,

"Terry?"

"Yes that is your name, isn't it?" I raise one eyebrow, and smirk as I fold my arms over my chest. He nods slowly and then looks down at his tea,

"I am your Dad Rikki,"

"Whatever." I sigh loudly as the door knocks, and I run to it, grinning when I see who is on the other side. She winks at me as I let her in,

"Hey Terry!" I hide my laugh as I carry on walking to my bedroom, Avril just runs ahead of me giggling all the way.

"Got anything on you?" I whisper as I shut the door behind me, she grins and nods as she pulls out a packet of white powder, just like the one Simon had given me the other night, I nod at her, remembering the feeling it gave me before, the total freedom and the painless world it allowed me to become part of. I grin as she hands me some, watching her as she seperates all the lines before she 'snorts' it up. Soon enough, I copy her, and we are both laying on the floor giggling like little children. I look up at the ceiling, watching the shapes and colours dance around, each one making me giggle out loud. Distracting me from the banging door outside, the shouts coming from my angry Dad, blanking out everything to do with it all. I don't really notice him until he grabs my arm, yanking me out from the world I found myself in for a few minutes. I shake my head at Avril, tutting, trying to ignore him.

"What?"

"It stinks in here."

"Get out then."

"I want you gone!" He points at Avril,

"Whatever you say Terry." She salutes him and I giggle, shaking my head as she walks out,

"How dare you chuck my friends out?" I pull him off my arm, and step back, only then noticing the packet he holds in his clenched fist. I clench my own for a moment, and turn around to hide the hot, burning tears running down my face.

"What do you want?"

"Are you on drugs Rikki? Are you high right now?" He grabs my shoulder, hard, pulling me around, towards him. He is stronger than I gave the old man credit for. I sigh as I admit defeat,

"Whatever, Terry." I hiss out his name, frowning as I do so,

"You have caught me. You can't do anything to me anyway. I don't care."

"You're grounded."

'Whatever old man. I have a window you know, what you going to do, seal it up?" He looks at me, like he doesn't even know who I am anymore. I roll my eyes, I don't even know who I am so how can I expect him to know?

"Now get out of my bedroom!"

"Rikki, let's talk about this."

"I don't want to talk, I don't need to talk, just get out and leave me alone." I push him as hard as I can out through my door. Slamming it in his confused face, I kick a beer can away from me and watch as it rolls under my bed. When did it all get so hard? When did it become like this?

I sigh loudly and take one last look at myself in the mirror before jumping out of my winow, grinning to myself. Nobody rules me, I don't care about them anymore. I do what I want, when I want. I run as fast as I can away from the trailer I call home.

And for what? To get a fix....


	8. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7 **

I crawl out of bed, not really seeing, hearing, smelling anything. I can't feel my surroundings, it is just one big white blur, one big mess. This is not the feeling I had been longing for, I felt something right now, I wanted to be painless but this was the opposite.

I clutch my stomach in pain, gritting my teeth as I try to hold back the scream, but never really hearing anything come out of my mouth. I close my eyes for a moment, trying to focus on something, anything, but the pain sears through my body, causing me to fall to the ground. I cry out in pain, I think, and slowly start getting up. Blinded by a white light, I cover my eyes with my shaking hand, never seeing... never realizing..

Grabbing my phone, I dial the first number I think of. Not really knowing if she would run to my aid, do I care if she doesn't? Maybe I want this to be the end... Maybe this was the way things had to go.

"Hello? Rikki is that you?" I note the worry in her voice already and lightly shake my head, not wanting to make anything spin around anymore than it already is.

"Emma.." The words come out, stuttering, full of the pain I feel.

"Whats wrong?" I listen to the voices in the background for a moment, Cleo and Lewis. I sigh as I close my eyes,

"Help me." I whisper, my voice cracking as tears fall down my face.

"Are you at home?" I stutter a yes as I drop the phone and lay my head on the cold metal door of the bathroom, so cold...

"Rikki? Wake up!" I hear Emma, I can her her crying, with Cleo and Lewis is shouting. Is he angry at me? What did I do wrong? I shake my head for a moment and slowly open my eyes, looking at the three faces surrounding me,

"God she is so pale.. what do we do?" My eyes flash over to Cleo as she speaks, Emma grabs my hand.

"She is freezing." I don't feel freezing, I feel boiling, I need to cool down, I am so hot. Someone help me, I look away from them and I feel Lewis at my side.

"What have you taken Rikki?"

"Nuffn'" I mutter, turning my head slowly to look at him.

"Tell me now." I can hear Cleo in my bedroom, Lewis must have told her to look around.

"Dunno." I close my eyes, so tired, I just want to sleep.

"Lewis!" I hear Cleo, she is closer now, but I don't open my eyes. I hear Lewis tut,

"Cocaine? Seriously Rikki?"

"Sorry.." I whisper, trying to focus, Emma squeezes my hand.

"What else?"

"Pot." I squeeze my eyes shut, tight, never want them to open again, don't let them open again Rikki, don't let them. I tell myself over and over again, this is my time, my time to die. I am supposed to leave this way, please just let me go.

I can hear the ambulance sirens in the background, I can hear Cleo crying, Emma whispering to me, telling me how much she misses me, how she wants me to get better, Lewis shouting at me, I hear the door knock and then.... nothing.

Everything is blank, there is no life flashing before my eyes, blank... There is a huge white canvas surrounding me, suffocating me, there is no way out... no exit.

I close my eyes and wait for everything to disappear. I wait for death to come... but all that I can feel is nothing, I can see nothing, I don't feel dead though... Not yet.


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8 **

I woke up.. I actually woke up.

I opened my eyes... Quickly closing them again.

I really did think I was dead, for a moment, I thought it would all end. Everything would end.

But I am still alive. Still.

Alive... Using the term lightly, I don't _feel _alive, I feel like I should have died. And some unknown force stopped me from having what I wanted the most. What I think I want the most.

I keep my eyes closed... In hope that I don't have to open them again. Now everyone knows, everyone will hate me. I sigh, slowly opening my eyes again. I look around at the white room, pure white. Just like the blank canvas I imagined before, when I thought I was going to die. Maybe it was just hope, maybe I was never really dying. Maybe..

I look around the room once more, smiling to myself when I see nobody is here. Nobody cares. It's okay. Nobody wants to know about the druggie, I brought this on myself, I don't deserve help. Nobody cares, that's the way it should be..

_**~ Terry ~**_

I look at my fragile daughter, just laying there in the bed. Sleeping, restlessly. What happened to my little girl? Why is she doing this? I sigh as I turn around and walk out of the room, towards her best friends. The ones she has abandoned just for this new rebellion she has found herself on. These were her real friends, I don't even know the other people, they don't love her though, they ain't here.

I sit next to Lewis and put my head in my hands, "Zane dumped her?" I sigh, trying to comprehend why he would do that, he tried so hard, when he was over my house, he would look at her and I could just see how much he loved her, why would he break up with her?

"Yeah, she was really upset... That's when all of this started, kind of.."

"Kind of?"

"Well she started smoking and speaking to Avril before, we think the thing with Zane just sent her off the edge." Emma explained to me, she looked down at the floor and sighed,

"I don't know what happened to her... One day she was happy... Going over yours all the time... And then the next she was slamming doors, and shouting at me." I look at the door to her room, wondering if she was awake yet.

"I am going to go check on her.." I mutter under my breath after a few moments of silence, they nod at me as I walk into her room. Smiling at her when I see she is awake. She just nods at me though and turns away, I miss my old Rikki, where is she in all this chaos?

"What happened Rikki?"

'I don't know, why don't you tell me?" She mutters sarcastically, I sigh and then sit at the end of her bed.

"You took an overdose. I want to know why." I reach out to touch her hand but she quickly pulls it away, refusing to look at me. I look down and wait for an answer.

"I didn't do it on purpose. Okay?" She rolls her eyes and stares at the blank wall in front of her,

"Why should I believe you?"

"I don't know, I don't even care if you do or don't Terry. Just leave me alone." I nod and walk out of her room, wondering where the old Rikki ever went to, thinking about what else could have happened to make her do this, was it just curiosity? I approach a Doctor on my way out of her room and smile at him, I have to do this, I have to help her.

_**~ Rikki ~**_

"Whatever." I sigh and look at my nails, really not interested. _Terry _looks at me, he doesn't really care about me, he just wants to fix me. I roll my eyes at the psychologist in front of me,

"There is nothing wrong with me."

"You took an overdose, how can you say nothing is wrong with you!" Terry shouts at me, I roll my eyes again and look away from him, looking at the door.

"You know what, he just doesn't like me doing anything, he doesn't want me to have friends and he doesn't like me to be happy. I am going, I really cannot be bothered with this crap." I grab my bag next to me and walk out of there as fast as I can, ignoring my Dads, Terry's, calls behind me.

They can't help me, she admited that at the beginning, the psychologist woman, she told us she couldn't help me unless I wanted help, well guess what? Not only don't I want help, but I don't need it. I will never need it.


	10. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9 **

"Yeah I will grab something now, hang on, lemme look." I look behind me to make sure Dad isn't looking or listening as I walk into the bathroom, and into the medicine cabinet.

"Here we are! These should work." I giggle,

"Yeah will be there then, speak soon." I hang up quickly and turn around, pills in my hand, I grin to myself as I look at the name on them and the brand, they should help get us all high. I laugh as I think about how much I have missed it all, how much I have had to pretend like I didn't.

"What are you doing?" Terry grabs my arm as I walk out of the bathroom, I just shake my head

"Nothing, now let me go." I pull away from him and go to walk past him as quick as I can, but before I know it he grabs the pills in my hands and pins me up against the wall behind me. I cry out in pain, but he ignores it. I can see the anger in his eyes, the hate...

I shake my head and ignore the tears falling down my face, I grit my teeth and try to pull him off.

"Get off me!" I scream as loud as I can, but he grabs my arms, I look away from him, trying to think of a way to get out of this.

"You're not going anywhere, especially not with them." He points towards the pills, they are scattered around the floor, I start to cry, trying forcing him to get off me but he still won't let go. I shake my head at him,

"Just let go of me." I can feel the anger rushing through my now, as I clench my fist. A fire starts in the corner of the room, he jumps away from me.

"Just leave me alone!" I scream once more before running out of the door.

"Hey. Got anything for me?" I run up to Simon, red eyed and shaking, he nods as he digs into his pocket and leans in to kiss me on the lips.

"I will pay you in money today." I whisper, as I hand him some notes. He sighs and nods as he counts it, giving me a lot in return. I nod and walk back to Avril without saying goodbye.

I feel so numb, I can't feel anything, nothing. I am scared though, so scared, I just want it to be like before. But it's too late now. Nothing can ever be the same, I can't be the same person anymore. And as much as I wish I could be, it's impossible.

I sigh as I carry on walking with Avril, "I don't want to go back there for a while." I say to her, she nods at me and then grins,

"You can stay with me for a while." I smile and then think about Emma and Cleo, how the sleepovers would be so much fun even if we weren't doing much. I remember full moon nights, the good times and the bad times. It would never be like that with Avril, it wasn't that type of friendship.

I didn't go home until another eight days.

My pale face, tired eyes, shaking hands, and sudden weight loss, immediately giving away where I had been, and who I had been with. Terry just shook his head at me when I finally got the courage to walk in, he didn't suspect me for the fire, thank God. I crawled into my bedroom, immediately lighting some pot and smoking it before closing my eyes and going to sleep.


	11. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

"Miss Chadwick, can you tell me one simile in this poem, please?" I look down at the table, scribbling my name into it quickly. I feel so tired, I just want to sleep, I sigh as I hear someone call my name again, but I don't care enough to even look up.

"Miss Chadwick?" I look up at the teacher as she approaches me, and I shrug before looking back down.

"Did you hear the question?" I nod

"Yes."

"Well?" I sigh and then look around at everyone staring at me, I shake my head and close my eyes for a moment, trying to think about the damn question. I open them again and look at Emma for a second before grabbing my bag

"Whatever! This is a load of crap anyway. I don't care about your stupid poems." I shout at her as I walk out of the door, slamming it behind me.

_**~ Terry ~**_

"I am sorry Mr Chadwick, but we have no other choice."

"You can't suspend her, she won't do it again. Will you Rikki?" I look over at my Daughter, but she is just sitting there with her arms crossed over her chest, looking out of the window. I sigh as I look back at the headteacher.

"She will Mr Chadwick, now I have given her plenty of warnings. How about this, you get her sorted out? I have a few rehab camp leaflets for you, and I know it's not my place to say. But when Rikki was with Miss Gilbert and Miss Sertori, she was a very good student. So I am willing to give her a chance, she has just lost her way I think. Just think of this suspension as a way to help her, okay?" I nod at him, knowing he is right.

"Thank you." I take the leaflets from his extended hand and sigh as I touch Rikki's shoulder lightly, she nods and then walks off ahead of me. How can I help her?

I put the leaflets in my pocket, knowing she will runaway if I say anything about them tonight. I will leave it for a few weeks, just wait for things to calm down.

_**~ Rikki ~**_

I roll my eyes as Dad sends me to my bedroom, he should know better now. I watch the leaflets in his pocket, he wouldn't dare send me to one of them. He hasn't said anything about it either, so maybe I am right. He couldn't stay here alone, not for more than two weeks. I sigh as I sit on my bed, wondering where Avril would be right now. I sit there, just thinking for a moment before grabbing my purse, and climbing out of my window.

I run as fast as I can to Avrils house, grinning when I see her open the door. "I am so glad you're here, there is this big party tonight." I smile and then follow her into her house, grabbing a cigarette from her on the way.


	12. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

_**~ Zane ~**_

"Emma, what is it?" I look at the two girls in front of me, Lewis isn't far behind them. I shake my head at her, noticing the lack of Rikki with them lately.

"Rikki is in trouble, we need your help."

"Trouble?" Cleo nods and then looks at Lewis,

"There is this big party tonight, the thing is, the police know about it and about halfway through the party, they are going to arrest everyone there. We don't want to warn them all, we have to get Rikki out of there before they come."

"Why are the police going there?" I look at them confused, police don't usually plan to crash teenage parties; Not unless there was something major going on there.

"Drugs." Lewis says simply, I look away for them for a minute, trying to picture the recent Rikki in my head, trying to put it all together. Rikki was at a party full of drugs, Rikki, my Rikki... I look back at them and shake my head.

"She's not...." I trail off and look over at the sea,

"She is Zane and we are worried, please help us?"

"Why do you need my help?"

"You're the only with a car." Cleo says, I nod my head and sigh.

"We need to leave now." Emma grabs my hand as we walk toward my brand new car

"Rikki's Dad called us earlier, he told us she ran away after trying to steal pills from him. Lewis heard from two men down the marine park that there was going to be a big raid at Avril's house tonight, during a massive party that is going on tonight. Lewis immediately put two and two together, she is going to be there, she always runs to Avril and Simon." I nodded at them both, and then sighed loudly as I started the car.

"Is this my fault?" I slowly ask, refusing to look at them, only looking at the road in front of me. It would take half an hour to get to Avril's from mine, everyone knew where she lived, her house may be big, but it was worse than any trailer. She lived in the roughest part, hidden away from everyone else.

"I think... That you sent her off the edge to be honest." Emma looked out of the window when I glanced at her, and I quickly looked away.

"I didn't mean to, it was becoming so much. I saw her smoke, she started hanging around with Avril. I couldn't handle it."

"I don't know why she started doing all that in the first place, but there was something wrong Zane. You should have seen that." Cleo muttered, I nodded, knowing that I should have known something was wrong, I should have seen her pain and I should have asked her if she was okay. I shouldn't have jumped to the conclusion that she had grown out of me, I shouldn't have thought that her stupid rebellion was too much to handle. I could have helped her, I could have stopped all this.

I wipe away a tear falling down my face before anyone notices it. I still love her so much, I love her too much, I guess I didn't want to see her get hurt, I didn't want to see her pain. But I only made things worse through my own selfishness.

It's dark by the time we pull up, and the party is in full motion. I sigh as I open the car door, looking at how many people are there, and shaking my head, "How are we going to find her?" I shake my head, already defeated but Emma walks ahead of me with Cleo just behind her. Lewis shrugs at me as we follow them into the crowded building, I stayed behind them closely. Not wanting to lose them as well, it was so Smokey in here. I sighed as I watched them all smoking and drinking. I couldn't see Rikki anywhere..

"AVRIL!" I looked at Emma in surprise, she was louder than I thought, I shook my head, trying to focus on the situation at hand. I saw Avril walking towards us, drunk and smoking something. I looked away for a moment, trying to spot Rikki anywhere.

"Where is Rikki?"

"I don't know." She shrugged and then looked behind her at Simon, I frowned and then watched as Cleo clenched her fist. I nudged Lewis and made him look, I saw him roll his eyes but he didn't try and stop them. Emma slammed Avril up against the wall behind them before I even blinked, I looked at them both, shaking my head in shock. I know Rikki is their best friend, but getting caught wasn't a good way of going about this. Cleo slowly raised her hand but Avril started to shake her head,

"She is upstairs, jeez people, calm down." Emma slammed her into the wall once more before running up the steep stairs.

I gasp when we enter a room, there is Rikki sure enough, with a black haired guy, half naked and snorting coke. I shook my head, and looked away for a moment. There she was in her bra and knickers, while he was wearing just his bottoms. She looked terrible, she looked like anything or anyone could break her any minute. I didn't even want to know what they had been doing before we came in, if they were doing anything. Lewis pushes past me and grabs the guy sitting next to Rikki, I watch her face as she looks at me, she doesn't even bother covering herself up; She is that out of it.

I take off my jacket slowly and then walk over to her, not looking at Emma and Cleo as I pass them. I don't see the tear tracks running down their face, I don't see the fear in their eyes. I wrap my jacket around Rikki and she looks away from me, her hand reaching out to the drugs in front of her. I grab her hand and then lift her up, without trouble. She doesn't struggle, she just puts her arms around my neck, she doesn't kick or scream, she doesn't make a big deal out of leaving.

I smile at her as I put her into the car, her eyes are glassed over, she doesn't even know where she is probably. I put her seat belt on as she leans her head on the cushion I place by her head. I sigh and shake my head at Lewis as I start the car, "Lock the doors." Lewis whispers to me, I nod at him as I quickly lock them, not knowing what Rikki was capable of doing. I jumped in shock when I heard Rikki scream, I watched the tears falling down her face, as she banged on the window, it was like this sudden monster had been let out. She carried on screaming but I just ignored her, knowing the police would be there soon.

She kicked and screamed, cried, and shouted for us to let her out. But I kept driving to her house, not knowing the horror that was coming...


	13. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

I sigh and close my eyes as I just stand there after my shower, Zane and Terry are sitting on the table, just talking. Lewis and Cleo are on the settee and Emma, trying to make everyone comfortable, making coffee and tea in the kitchen.

I need to think of a way out of this, I need to do something to make up for it; Anything.

"I am really sorry." I try to look as apologetic as I possibly can as I sit on my.. Terry's, lap.

"I really am." I mutter as I nuzzle my head into his neck and put my arms around his shoulders, I feel his strong arms around my waist as he sighs.

"It won't happen again." I whisper, hearing Emma snort in the background and then a cup slam down on the kitchen counter.

"It's okay it was just one big mistake." Cleo gets up from her seat and walks over to me, smiling. I nod and then look at Terry, he just smiles at me and kisses me gently on the forehead.

"A MISTAKE?" I jump as I hear a glass smash on the floor, and grab on tighter to Terry. He shakes his head at her, I watch her carefully as she starts to walk over to me.

"You've been doing this for months now Rikki, you're lucky we got you out of there tonight because otherwise you would be stuck in some grubby prison cell with your druggie best friends!" I shake my head at her,

"They ain't druggies," I manage to say, shocked at Emma's outburst.

"Whatever Rikki, you are at the end of the day. Look at you, you're shaking and sweating now.. And you haven't gone, what?" She looks at her watch and then tuts,

"1 hour, not even one hour since your last hit and look at you.." She shakes her head in disgust, and I slowly get up out of Terry's lap.

"Whatever Emma, sorry we can't all be perfect like you."

"I didn't say for one second I was perfect, but you... Have you even looked in the mirror lately, you look a mess. I can't even stand looking at you anymore. You make me sick, you've let yourself become like... like this and you don't even see it. You're just another one Rikki, some stupid little girl, who turns to drugs and alcohol to drown all her problems, you've become a slut." She spits out each and every word with such venom, I can feel myself shaking with anger, as I clench my fist and walk away from her.

"Oh that's it walk away from it all, go to your room, get your secret stash of drugs." She shouts from behind me, I shake my head at her as I feel tears stinging my eyes

"I am not a slut, okay?" I look at her as she shakes her head, "That's why we found you practically naked, in an empty room, with a half undressed man... Right.. No.. You're not a slut.." Sarcastically toned, of course, something I didn't even think she was capable of.

I clench my fist, making sure she sees I am doing so. Then I shake my head in anger, I can feel my face burning, my eyes brimming with tears of anger... sadness? Not even I know but then I spot a knife laying on the counter, I ignore them all as I walk over to it and point it towards Emma,

"Take it back." I watch my hand as it shakes, I hear her laugh, Cleo scream, Zane's and Terry's chairs scraping on the wooden floor, I watch as Lewis grabs Cleo as she tries to walk over to Emma.

"You wouldn't stab me, you don't have the guts." Emma looks away from me for a moment, towards Zane and she shakes her head, rolling her eyes.

"Rikki put the knife down." I hear Zane say, I spin towards him, with the knife pointing towards him now and shake my head

"What are you even doing here Zane.. YOU broke up with ME. Get out! I don't even want you here."

"I love you Rikki, please put the knife down." He reaches out to me but I put the knife to my own neck, shaking in rage,

"IT'S MY LIFE... WHY CAN'T YOU ALL JUST LEAVE ME BE?" I wipe away the tears rolling down my face with the back of my hand, burning myself in the process. I look towards Terry and he is shaking his head, slowly walking towards me,

"Put it down."

"Just leave me alone." I whisper, as I drop the knife and run into my bedroom, crying as I lean against the door. I just want to die, why won't anyone just let me die?

I shake my head as I get up and lock the door quickly, looking around my bedroom, for something... anything. I grab the pair of scissors I used so long ago to cut my hair, and then look into the mirror, Emma's words running through my head

'_Have you even looked in the mirror lately... You look a mess.' _I nod in agreement with her, I look terrible.

I stumble to my bed, and look at the scissors for a moment before digging them as deep as I can into my wrist, and dragging them to make one line right across my wrist. I smile at the blood as I lay down on my bed, trying to think about something else, trying to forget about the blood dripping from my arms, I try to ignore the sound of dark, blood blots dropping to the ground, making a puddle of red liquid, surrounding my bed, separating me from everyone else. Separating me from everything I don't want to hear.

Because sometimes we lie to ourselves, just because the truth hurts too much to even think about admitting it to ourselves.

Emma only confirmed my fears; I wasn't Rikki Chadwick anymore, I was only a drug taking, stupid, horrible slut who didn't deserve to be here anymore.

I don't even want to be here anymore.

I just want all the pain to end.

Maybe.

Just maybe.

It will end this time, maybe this is my time to leave....

_Maybe_


	14. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

I wake up... again.

I didn't even want to wake up, more so than last time, but I never seem to get the one thing I desire the most, no matter how much I want it and long for it. I always seem to open my eyes.

Why can't I seem to get anything right? I can't even die properly..

I sigh as I look outside the hospital window at my Dad, he just looks at me sadly and turns away, not coming in this time but instead talking to a young Doctor. I close my eyes and imagine myself somewhere else, anywhere else. As long as it's away from here, I don't care. As far away from these white walls, closing in on me. They are so clean and pure, so unlike me. I can't stand to look at them any longer, it's not fair. I shouldn't be here, the only people who should actually be stuck here is those who need help, those who deserve help. Even if I did need some help, I don't deserve it and I never will.

Five words keep running through my mind, _I can't even kill myself. _

I close my eyes, wishing to be somewhere else, wishing I could go back in time and change everything I let myself be, everything I become. This isn't the life I wanted for myself, my Dad or my friends. I didn't want this, I didn't mean to. Things just got out of hand, and now I don't know how to make it all better, I don't know how I can change everything. I don't know what to do.

A lone tear falls down my cheek and I turn on my side, it all would have been so much better if I had died. It would have been so much easier, not just for me but for everyone.

It's not long until I am out of hospital, I don't think I could have stayed there for any longer. I think it was all getting too much, I just wanted to go home and I just wanted to see my friends. Well **_friend_** ; Avril.

Emma and Cleo would never want to see me again, and I don't blame them, not after what I have done. I wouldn't blame them if they never wanted to speak to me, never wanted to be my friend and wanted me to give up my mermaid powers. I wouldn't hate them, I would probably feel the same in their position.

I don't know what came over me that night, I don't know what happened to me. It seems like, everything built up and I took it out on the only people who ever loved me, who accepted me for everything I was and who understood. I have lost the first real friends I ever had thanks to my own weaknesses, I couldn't even handle being 'normal' using that term weakly of course. I don't know why I ruined everything, I only ended up damaging my own hopes and dreams. I only hurt myself.

I sling my bag over my shoulder in the morning, I haven't been anywhere in the past few days. Not since getting out of hospital, I have only been numb. Just laying in my bed, trying to not think, not do anything really. I just lay there, looking up at my ceiling, I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't drink, I wouldn't even bother with the drugs I knew were hidden under my floorboards. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak. I just thought about how I shouldn't even be here right now, today was the first day I actually got out of bed.

It's about time I got myself sorted out... I sigh and then look at the one part of my floorboards that comes up, revealing my secret stash of pot and cocaine. I shake my head and walk out of the room, I have manged a few days without them. I am sure I can last a few more. I smile at my Dad as I grab a piece of toast, telling him I am going to school and walk out as quick as I can before he stops me from going.

He seems too protective of my lately, I know he has every single right to be. I would be as well, but I just need to get something sorted. Well, try to anyway.

I walk to the school gates, sighing, I knew I was suspended, but I only needed to talk to two people, I only needed to say sorry. I smiled when I saw them, walking at the predictable time towards the school. "Guys!" I ran towards them and tried to smile, Cleo nodded at me but Emma just looked behind me. Trying to avoid my glance,

"Please.... don't ignore me." I whisper as I look down at the floor.

"What? Do you want me to be friends with you? After what you did?"

"I didn't think you would... but I just want you to know how sorry I am and it really will never happen again. I am so sorry." I look at them, hoping for some reaction.

"Sorry doesn't cut it Rikki, come on Cleo." She grabs Cleo's hand as she walks away from me,

"Please." I shout behind them,

"Until you get yourself sorted out.. We ain't allowed to hang around with you."

I nod and then watch as they walk away, Cleo looking behind her and mouthing to me, sorry. I should be the one who is sorry. Not her. Never her.

It should be me.

I shake my head, and realize my whole body is shaking. I look around and sigh, I couldn't take this anymore.

I ran all the way home, as fast as I could, ignoring my Dad as I hurried past him, straight into my bedroom, locking the door behind me and lifting up the floorboard, staring at the stash hidden underneath them. I look away for a moment, trying to convince myself not to do it, thoughts about why I shouldn't run through my head, thoughts about why I should also run though. There always seems to be more for than it does against. It always seems to be going towards the one thing I know I shouldn't do, the one thing I should hate, but love.

I smile to myself as I grab the packet, almost greedily.

This was my life from now on, I just had to accept that.


	15. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

I wake up the next morning, feel better than I had felt in a while. I smile as I remember the wonderful, familiar feeling of last night. Even when I was alone, it still felt good. I sighed as I got out of bed, trying to ignore the voices I could hear outside. I couldn't make out who it was with my Dad, I could hear him clearly, but the other person seemed to be whispering. Like they didn't want me to know they were here, like they had something to hide. I rolled my eyes as I opened my door and looked at the woman just casually sitting on the dining table, mine and Terry's dining table. I shook my head and laugh "What the hell is she doing here?" I walk past her and sit on the settee, trying to ignore her.

"She is your Mother Rikki, we are worried about you."

"Well don't be, I am fine."

"No you're not. Look at you, you look a mess. You need to get your priorities sorted young lady." I sigh and then look at my escape route, I am sure Avril wouldn't mind me turning up at hers at 10am, she said I was welcome anytime.

"Now look, we have some amazing rehabilitation camps for you to attend."She tries to hand me some leaflets, but I shake my head and look away from her. I won't go anywhere, I don't need any help at all. I am fine. I grit my teeth, avoiding anyone's glance, I don't want to be put away for doing nothing. I haven't hurt anyone.

"You don't have to look at them Rikki." My Dad.. Terry, speaks up,

"We will choose for you, we don't mind." I look at him in surprise,

"No way. You said you loved me, why would you do this to me?"

"Because you have changed, and I want my old Rikki back." I shake my head and get up, eying the door, I can tell he knows I am going to run, I see it in his eyes, but I am too fast for him. I grab the door handle and run as fast as I can to Avril's. She is the only one left now, she is the only one who will keep me safe from everything and everyone, she won't grass me up. She won't let me get put into one of those places, she is just the same as me. She understands me.


	16. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

"I hate you!" I shout as loud as I can towards Terry and the woman who calls herself my Mother. I shake my head at them as someone drags me into a large blue van, I ignore the tears running down my face as I give them both dirty looks.

"I will kill you, you put him up to this. You're both dead to me!" I look away from them when I am seated into the car, I can't even stand to look at them.

How did they even find me? How did they arrange all of this, just for me to be taken into some stupid rehab camp?

I shake my head as angry tears fall down my face, I won't let them win. I don't need help, they will realize that when I am there. I won't need to be t here and they will see that; And send me home. It will all be okay.

I don't look at anyone else as I get onto the huge bus, it's not packed but it's not as empty as I thought it would be. It's just full of teenagers, all with troubles. I don't have troubles, I just am trouble. I sigh as I grab a seat at the back, away from everyone else and look out of the window. I have no idea where they are going to take me, and I don't care because it won't take them long to realize that I don't belong there. I don't belong with these people. The ones with real life problems. I am fine. I am fine..

"Right! Listen up! Something you all better get used to while you spend your six weeks here. Anything I tell you or any other counselors, you do. Whether you like it or not. You will do it. Is that clear?" Everyone nods, but I just stare at the man at the front of the bus, he is a large man, in both height and width, he has dark hair, and almost black eyes, making him scarier than necessary.

"There are a lot of rules here, and you all better start getting used to them." He carries on,

"And for all of you who think the rules are not going to apply to you, think again, because they do. Every single one. Now off the bus!" I groan as I watch everyone else get off, I soon follow, keeping my head down, and bumping into one of the older women there.

"What is this?" She grabs the box of cigarettes hidden within my coat pocket, I roll my eyes at her and shake my head.

"Give them back, they're mine!" She just shakes her head, and laughs in my face.

"Think again young lady. Now you heard the rules, don't think you can push your luck here. I am going to be on your back for the next six weeks whether you like it or not, so I would watch it if I was you."

"Whatever." I walk away from her, but she grabs me by the arm.

"I have seen people like you come and go through here, so don't think I don't know how to handle people like you."

"You don't know anything about me."

"I know your type, I know all of your crap. So don't push your luck." She warns as she drags me towards everyone else, I sigh as I think about all this crap I am going to have to put up with for the next few weeks. I won't be here that long, it's okay, they will see I am not like everyone else. They will notice... they have to.

The next thing I know, we are all sitting in the snow, packing our camp bags. When I was told rehab camp, I didn't think it meant literally camping. I sighed as I packed everything I needed, ignoring the guy talking at the front.

"Now you're all here to change your lives and realize what you have done wrong, why you are here." I roll my eyes and scoff at him,

"Do you have a problem?" He bends down next to me, looking deeply serious into my face, I shrug

"With all this crap? Yes I do."

"Don't think you can get away with talking to any of us like that, this place is going to teach you about finding yourselves and teaching you basic morals."

"Give me a break." I mutter as he stands up,

"Right that is it! I have had enough of you already, drop and give me twenty." I look at him, trying not to laugh.

"What do you think this is? The army?"

"It is whatever I want it to be, 30." I shake my head and fold my arms over my chest,

"No."

"40."

"What!? That's not fair." I look away from him as I stand up,

"50."

"Fine." I mutter as I lay on the ground,

"1." He counts every time I do one, still talking. It carries on for ages, until finally I collapse onto the ground.

"Maybe that will teach you from now on." He says as he looks around, still spouting off all the rules. I sigh as I kneel back up and stare at my bag and the staff supplies next to it, I look around, making sure nobody is watching as I grab a kitchen knife only just sticking out of the bag and put it into my own. I sigh as everyone else starts to get up and do the same. This was going to be a long night.


	17. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

I shake my head as I watch them all trying to light a fire, it's kind of funny to be honest. I just look away from them every time they look at me, taking no interest at all. I don't know anything about camping, the most experience I have had is when Cleo, Emma and I camped with the Sertori's, Lewis and Charlotte. I grimace a little at the thought of her, stupid wannabe mermaid. I shake my head and look over to the other group who have finally lit their fire, and were eating food. I don't care, I don't need to food anyway, I ain't even hungry.

I close my eyes as I think about my first and only camping experience, the night of a full moon. What am I going to do if there is a full moon here? A sudden wave of panic washes over me as I look up at the night sky, my heart beating so fast I think it's going to pull out of my chest. I look around at the people who I could be exposed to, luckily there was no water around here; But that couldn't stop me making fires. It couldn't stop me doing anything to anyone, I could hurt someone, maybe even kill them.

I shudder and draw my knees to my chest, putting my head on my knees and trying to not think of the worst. It was my fault I was here, I just had to deal with the consequences all by myself, I brought it all on myself, this is my problem and I am the only one who can deal with it.

"Team work Rikki." Someone touches my shoulder and I jump up quickly, putting my arms over my chest when I see everyone look towards me with shocked looks on their faces. I shake my head at the counselor who pulled me out of my daze.

"Whatever, I don't care." I mutter as I sit back down and look away from my group, who cares if we don't eat anyway? I just want to go home, Dad wouldn't let me stay here if I wasn't eating, he would take me home straight away. I hope.

That night I look around at my fellow 'campers' sleeping as I grab the kitchen knife out of my bag, everyone is asleep, I can finally do what I have been longing to do since I arrived here. I don't belong here, I am not supposed to be here. These people sleeping around me, they need help and they deserve help. I am only here because my parents can't handle me, because I have no friends and no life. I am not here because I have to be, I am here because they want me to be.

I sigh as I drag the kitchen knife across my wrist as deep as I can manage, I smile to myself when I feel the pain, it feels so good. I finally feel something, something other than hurt and pain ironically. I feel almost happy, and glad when I watch the blood trickle down my wrist and onto my bag, it feels good to know that I am still here, I am Rikki somewhere deep down.

I wrap an old t-shirt around my bleeding wrist and wipe away the tears falling from my eyes, I look up at the night sky and close my eyes. It's hard to imagine what I was like this time a year ago, I can't remember it well. But I know it was a better life than this, I had friends, a boyfriend, I had amazing abilities, that I am now too scared to use. I can't tell anyone, I have nobody to share my secret with.

I have nobody.

I am nobody.


	18. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

"Hi," I look up at the girl standing over me, I am sitting down on the grass, thinking to myself as usual. I have been here for three weeks now, I have yet to speak to anyone or help in anyway with the group tasks set for us during our stay. I am still waiting for the day they see that I am not meant to be here, waiting for them to look at me and think 'She is not like everyone else here, she doesn't belong here'

It hasn't happened yet, but there are still possibilities. It could happen.

I nod at her, trying to look away, she has been my 'hiking buddy' since we both arrived here so long ago and I haven't said more than two words to her. She just smiles and then sits down, like my blatant ignorance towards her is just an invitation for her to sit down next to me and speak some more. I look away from her, and instead stare at the mountain we are about to climb. I look towards the top, this time tomorrow, or maybe the next day we will be halfway up there, and I will probably be looking at the top wondering what's over the other side, what is waiting for me?

My parents?

My friends?

Anyone?

Or will there only be loneliness, pain and more hate waiting for me?

Maybe there is nothing or nobody left for me, nobody is going to wait for me.

I have let so many people down, why would they even think about waiting for me to get my act together?

I messed everything up, I ignored all of my best friends and my family, I thought I knew best, when I obviously didn't. I don't know anything, I am the one who has messed it all up. I am the one who should have listened to them, I should never have gone off with Avril. I should never have let myself get like this. I shouldn't be here... I shouldn't belong here.

"Look, none of us want to be here, but we are all trying to get on and you should make that effort as well." I sigh, I know she is right, none of us asked to be put here. All of us have been forced to come by our parents, other family members, social workers... We have all been forced into this, none of us woke up one morning and thought about this stupid camp. None of us thought to ourselves that taking drugs and/or alcohol will make us end up in a place like this. Nobody wanted this.

I nodded and then looked at her, it was the first time I actually looked at her without thinking about getting out of this place. I took in all her appearance, her mousy brown hair, hazel eyes, pale complexion, I looked at her body, she was tall.. I knew that. Too thin for her height to put it lightly, she was pretty, but not overly beautiful. Her beauty was subtle, she was shy and she didn't make the effort, but I could tell if she did she would be the one to turn heads. I smile at her and then shrug

"I know that... I just, I don't have a problem."

"You don't think you have a problem, but that may not be the case." She nodded, pleased by her own analysis. I laughed a little and then held out my hand to her politely

"Rikki." She grins and flicks her long hair back, holding out her shaking hand

"Gemma."

"So, what are you doing here... if you don't mind me asking?" I grab a stick and start carving things into the mud as Gemma looks away,

"I... I don't know. I take a lot of drugs, I have been in and out of hospital because of that for so long now. I just want to die sometimes..." She pauses, and I nod at her, to let her know I am listening, and I do accept that.

"These boys in school... did something to me at a party. I guess I went off the rails after that... I couldn't handle it. I told my Dad what happened and he told me to grow up, he told me to stop lying. But I wasn't. I couldn't lie about something like that..." She trails off and I notice a shining tear falling down her face, I grab her hand and smile at her

"I believe you." She nods and wipes away the tear as she squeezes my hand

"Thank you, you have no idea how much that means to me."

"It's okay.. I don't know what I would do if that happened to me and nobody believed me. I think I would have done the same as you to be honest.." I look away, back at the mountain, thinking about what I would have done if something that bad had happened to me. Wondering if anything bad did happen to me...

"What about you? Why are you here?" I shrug and wrinkle my nose,

"I do a lot of drugs as well, I go out a lot to parties, drink a hell of a lot. I do stuff with boys, I abandoned my family and best friends. I guess my parents can't handle me..."

"Why do you do all that?" I think for a moment, and shake my head, trying to fight the tears

"I don't know to be honest. I have no idea what happened to me. I guess I got lost on the way..." I sigh and Gemma seems to accept this, as she looks at me for a moment and then squeezes my hand which is still in her own.

"I saw you hurt yourself last night... I have seen you do it a few times... you need to stop."

"Oh.. I thought everyone was asleep." Suddenly I pull away from her and huddle up, putting my head on my knees, and trying to ignore her once more.

"I won't tell anyone, don't worry about that. But if they find out then you won't be going home in three weeks." I snap my head up to look at her, a confused look on my face,

"What?"

"They send people like you... like me.. to this place. It's like a big school, for children who cause too much problems within society. It's just like this, without all the walking and camping out. Kind of like a boarding school for the unwanted. They send you there if this place doesn't help you. They try to 'cure' you and when it doesn't work, they keep you there, sending you from here to there, back and forth all the time." She sighs and looks as though she is deep in thought. I frown and drop the stick I was playing with to the ground

"Have you been there?" She nods,

"How many times?"

"If I go back again then it will be my third time."

"Wow." I mutter, she nods and then takes a deep breath

"It's horrible there, they are strict, you're not allowed off the premises unless you're good, and even then it's with your parents. They make you hate yourself even more than you already do. They talk about stuff that you don't want them to, they tell you stuff to make you better, but it only makes you worse..." She looks away and then stands up,

"Hopefully you won't have to go there though." I nod and smile at her,

"Hopefully." I get up and put my arm around her shoulder, as we walk back to the camp. I see one of the counselors mutter something to another one as they see us and then smile at me. I nod back as I sit down next to my bag and Gemma sits down next to me. She is quiet, I like that, it means I don't have to talk much to fill awkward silences, she is like me in that way. We both like to think, we don't mind the silence. I don't feel the need to fill it like I do with others.

I look around the camp fire, it's 'circle time' again. Every single night there is a different question, a question I either refuse to answer or mutter a one worded answer, mostly stupid questions about our parents, if they are together or not, or about our school. Questions that have nothing to do with why we are here, well,why I am here. Questions that I don't want to answer because I don't see the point, I don't want everyone knowing my personal business.

"Tonight we are going to get serious, we want to know why you think you're here. Carl would you start for us please?" A boy sitting next to him nods and stares into the fire, putting down his tin of cold beans, I roll my eyes, not even knowing my own answer.

"I think I am here because my Mum didn't want to see me hurt myself anymore, I was hurting her as well. I would come home every single night, drunk and violent. I would lash out at her, and then run to my own bedroom, and cut myself." I look at the deep scars on his arms, and think of my own.

"She couldn't stand it anymore, and I don't blame here. Being here, with all of you, you have all helped me so much," He quickly glances at me and then turns away again, I sigh, yeah everyone except me.

"I am glad she sent me here though, I can now see what I have done wrong. I know what I did was wrong, and I don't want to do it again." I see the counselors nod in approval and I wonder if he is being truthful, or just saying it to please them. Then it moves on, the 'talking rock' gets passed on until it reaches me, I take it in my hands and just stare at it, thinking, always thinking.

"I guess.... I am here because my parents couldn't handle me anymore. They didn't want to handle me. I was too much of a pain for them, I caused too much hassle and I was always letting them down, always being someone they hated, someone they didn't want for their daughter." I sigh as I pass the rock to Gemma but Robert, one of the counselors stands up,

"Can you carry on with that please Rikki?" I roll my eyes and shake my head

"I don't know what else there is to say."

"Why not tell us why you feel like that?"

"Because it's the truth..."

"Other than that."

"I guess because I have to look into my Dad's eyes every single day and see the hurt I have caused him, see the disappointment, the anger, the sadness, the hate... I am the one who caused all of that and I don't know how I can stop doing that. I don't know how to help him anymore than I know how to help myself. I don't think I can. I was fine a year ago, I don't understand what happened to me, why I have done all of this. I don't know how any of this started. It hasn't always been like this, I was so happy, I had best friends, a boyfriend, friends.. I had fun and I would always be out, I was fine when I introduced them all to my Dad and my house, I didn't feel ashamed anymore, I didn't feel like I had to hide who I was. They all accepted me for who I was, they still loved me and they still treated me the same. I wasn't used to that, but it felt good. I was someone for the first time since I could remember, I felt loved and I was so happy. I had a life, a good life. I was finally doing well, I was making something of myself and I was going places." I take a deep breath to think for a moment, trying to sum it all up, wanting to end the story, wanting everyone to stop looking at me,

"I guess, it hurts him because nothing actually ever happened to me, nothing bad happened to me. I wasn't raped, I wasn't abused, I wasn't attacked...mugged. I just changed. I became something I told myself I would never become, something changed within me, and I don't even know what. I don't expect him to understand why, because I don't even know. He didn't do anything and neither did anyone else. Nobody hurt me physically..."

"But someone did hurt you emotionally?" One of the other girls in the group looks up at me and then looks away almost immediately as she asks, I stare at her for a moment before I nod.

"Yes, I guess, but that only made me worse... I was smoking and stuff before that.. I guess it's what tipped me over the edge."

"A boy?" One of the boys next to me wrinkled his nose at the thought of a boy being responsible for me being here. I laugh a little and then nod,

"I loved him a lot, and he said he couldn't handle the new rebellion I was going on. He said he didn't want me anymore, that he wasn't going to waste his time with someone like me, he thinks he should have known better than to go off with someone like me... someone who lives in a trailer, someone who doesn't have much money, someone who is the complete opposite of him." I sigh as I look up at Robert, but he shakes his head.

"Think about something that happened before that, secrets, parents, something." I smile a little, secrets... a lot of secrets, all the time it was don't tell anyone this, don't tell anyone that. I shake my head,

"My Mum left my Dad and I ages ago, I see her now and then, when I choose to do so. I guess, she comes on and off the scene, she will be there one moment and then she will be off with some guy. It's hard because she chooses her new boyfriend over me, when I was up there before, she rushed off because he said they had to go somewhere. I wasn't going to be there for long but she just left me in her house, not even caring what I was doing. Not even wanting to know, she only has me over because she has to, she likes to get to my Dad, he doesn't like it when we don't see her for ages. He wants me to have a Mum in my life, he wants me to have someone to speak to I guess. He doesn't understand that we don't get on, we never have. She doesn't care about me like he does, it doesn't come across that way anyway. She could go years without seeing me, she has gone years without seeing me. She just keeps coming back, determined to hurt me more, hurting my Dad in the process as well."

"I am sure that's not true, some people don't know how to be parents, and because your Mum was not there for a lot of your childhood I am guessing, then she doesn't really know how to be one. She doesn't know what to do, she can't help you, not because she doesn't want to but because she just can't. It's hard when you have a sixteen year old girl, who you may not have seen in ages, who you left and you suddenly have this huge responsibility, it's hard to know how to react." I nod at Samantha, she always spoke up, she was intelligent and beautiful, she was here because she couldn't go one hour without her next hit, she was abused by her Mother when she was younger, I remember her story from ages ago, I never did tell mine.

"I guess you're right." I mutter. She smiles at me and then looks back at the fire, thinking about her own Mother probably.

"My best friends and I had this massive secret, we always had to keep it between us, nobody else knew, we had to do everything to stop anyone knowing. I got so fed up of it all, I didn't want to keep it a secret anymore, but then again I did because I knew it had to be a secret, I know that nobody can know. I was so fed up of everyone thinking the three of us came as a package, I wanted to be a loner again, I don't know why I did but it was getting so much. One secret after another, it kept building up and I couldn't take it anymore, I decided to hang around with someone else, someone they didn't approve of because I knew there would be no secrets between Avril and I, I knew that Emma and Cleo would hate me for doing so. But I was hurting inside, I was dangerous, I wanted to do stuff they would never approve of, and I didn't want to hurt them. I didn't want them to be dragged into my stupid games. I love them so much, they are amazing friends."

I sigh as I pass the rock to Gemma when Robert nods in understanding, finally allowing me to move on, allowing somebody else to speak up about their problems; more important issues. I sigh in relief that I don't have to open up anymore, I don't know what brought on the sudden change of mind; The sudden decision to tell everyone everything, to tell them how I felt and why I felt that way. It was strange for me, probably strange for them as well. I look at Gemma as she takes a deep breath, she didn't want this question as much as I did, I can tell.

"I am here because my Dad hates me. Simple as." She goes to pass the rock on but is told to keep it in her own hands, she shakes her head,

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You have to."

"No I don't, what the hell is this?" I watch as she chucks the rock ahead of her and it lands in the huge fire in the middle and she storms off, crying. I look down for a moment before running after her, not wanting her to get lost in the woods surrounding us.

"What's wrong?" I walk up behind her as she sits on the dirt floor, huddled up.. crying. She shrugs but never looks up,

"I don't know anymore, I can't tell anyone, you believed me but that doesn't mean anyone else will. I can't do this Rikki." She shakes her head and I put my hand on her shoulder,

"It will be okay, I promise, I know people will believe you but if you don't want to tell anyone that's okay. I am always here to talk to if you need to, I will always be around to help you if you need me?" She nods and then whispers a thank you. I move closer to her, and wrap my arm around her waist and put my head on her shoulder, looking up at the stars,

"It's all going to be okay, you will see." She looks up for a moment, and stares at the stars as well, before wrapping her arm around my shoulder. I smile at the new friend I have made, it wasn't so bad here after all. I would be out of here in no time, and it would all be okay then.

Things could go back to the way they were before, I could be the Rikki I was before. I could have friends and a boyfriend, I could see my Mum when I wanted to and I could see the love in my Dad's eyes again. That's all I wanted. I didn't want to be in pain no more, I don't know where all my hate came from, but I would figure it out one day. I have to.


	19. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

I did get to the top of that mountain. I was wrong about what was waiting for me, because nothing but my friends that I had made during my stay here were on the other side. There were many more miles to go until we were allowed to go home. There would be more mountains to climb, more paths to stumble across, more rocks to fall over and more fields to trample across.

There was only another week to go; One whole week. One more climb, and over that mountain would be the people I love. They would be waiting for me, and then they were going to take me home. I know it.

I grin to myself as I think of home. A bed. A kitchen. A toilet. I grin as I think of the ocean, I haven't been swimming for so long, I haven't seen water for too long. I would be home soon.

"Letters!" Robert shouts as we all wake up the next morning and sit around the camp fire from last night. I smile at Gemma as she grabs a letter from Robert when he walks past. I notice she only has one, whereas others; Including myself, have several. I look through mine, four letters all together, I smile as I open the first one. Recognizing Emma's handwriting.

_Dear Rikki, _

_I am so sorry for that night. I know I pushed you too far, and I regret it so much. I just miss everything... I miss who you used to be, I miss what good friends we all were and most of all I miss you swimming with us. It's hard to swim these days and not see you besides me, or behind me for that matter. Always behind. Maybe one day I will let you win, maybe.. _

_I really miss you though and when I heard we were allowed to write to you I took the chance immediately. I love you so much and I really want you to be okay again, I want the old Rikki back, sarcasm and everything. I miss it all Rikki, I miss you, and I wish I hadn't let you go off with Avril. I should have fought for you harder and I know what you're thinking, you have a mind of your own, and I couldn't tell you what to do. But I should have tried, I could see where it was going, where it could lead and now look where you are. _

_When you get out I hope you can move on from this, because we can. We won't do it all over again Rikki, we can't handle it all as much as we miss you.. when you're hurting then so are we and we would do anything to stop your pain, we would love to know what caused this but you can't tell us until you find out yourself, and when you do I hope you can rely on us, I hope you can trust us enough to let us in. _

_I can't wait to see you. _

_I can't wait to swim with you by mine and Cleo's side again. _

_I miss you_

_Emma, x_

I wipe away a tear falling down my face when I fold up the letter and put it in my bag. I hurt them all so bad when I tried to stop my own pain. I was so selfish.

I smile at Cleo's messy writing on the next envelope.

_Rikki, _

_It's not really the same without you around, it's a lot quieter and it doesn't feel right being a mermaid anymore, I guess it's because as you have said before, there are only meant to be three mermaids; Not two and not four. It's not right without you, and when you come back to us I really hope you're okay again. _

_I was looking through photographs the other day, you have changed so much, I wish you hadn't. I don't know what happened, I guess you're lost. But when you find yourself again, I will still be here. I will always be here. I miss you a lot, and so does Emma, she won't tell me that though, she is closed up right now; Like you! _

_Next time Rikki, promise me one thing, promise me that you will tell us something is wrong, tell us please.. We can't help you otherwise and I would love to be able to help you. I want you to be okay again and I want you to be happy. _

_I remember when we went to Mako Island for the first time, the time we became mermaids. I hated it at first, but you were the brave one; You loved it. Emma took some time getting used to it as well, but sometimes it seemed like you were meant to be a mermaid, it suited you. Your power suits you a lot as well, I wish that I could turn back time and go back to that day. I wouldn't change a thing, but I would make sure you opened up more. I would make sure that you were okay. Because you never told us anything, we all just assumed you were fine. We didn't know anything was going on. _

_I love you so much, _

_See you soon!_

_Love from Cleo x_

I shake my head and laugh at the memory, one of the best moments of my life. I remember how Cleo felt about it, she didn't like water, she couldn't swim so it took some time getting used to it for her. And Emma was a champion swimmer, she was amazing from what I have heard, it was hard for her as well because she couldn't do that anymore, she had to give up what she loved and what she was good at. I had no attachment to the water, I wasn't scared of it but I wasn't in love with it. I was okay with the whole mermaid thing. I loved it.. I still do.

I look at the remaining two letters and trace my fingers over the tiny writing on one envelope and decide to open the other one first.

_My darling Rikki, _

_We don't know where everything went wrong, and as much as we wish we did, we can't pin point exactly where we messed up. Now, I know what you're thinking; This was all you, not us. But we had some play in this, it may have been a delayed reaction to our divorce. We don't know if something happened to you one day, we don't know if anything happened to you... But we hope nothing did. But at the same time it would explain the sudden change in behavior, you were so beautiful, so calm and you were a wonderful girl. I know your Mum hasn't been around much and she regrets that greatly, and it's all going to change when you come has moved closer and every single weekend and whenever you want to, you can go see her, I won't mind. We have been getting on amazingly well since you left, I know it's a bit late but we are going to try so hard when you come back. We promise that. _

_It's all going to be okay, when you are out of there, we will make sure you're happy. We will find out where something went wrong, and it will be okay again. _

_Avril has moved away, she went to California with a band, she said goodbye. We are sorry about her leaving, but then again it may be a good thing. The bad influence is gone, and maybe now you can move on and maybe you will be okay and happy when you are back. Maybe you can move on from all of this, and go back to the old Rikki we all know and love. _

_We will see you so soon. _

_Stay safe and strong _

_We love you so much our baby girl._

_Mum and Dad xxx_

I put the letter in my bag and let the tears fall down my face, my hands shaking as I reach for the next and last letter. I sigh as I open it and see his beautiful writing.

_My beautiful Rikki, _

_I am so sorry for everything, I didn't want to break up with you. I still love you, I think I always will to be honest. I miss you so much and I wish I could have handled it all, I don't know what was wrong with me. I love you and that will never change, I think you're amazing, beautiful, funny and wonderful. You're so different from my last girlfriends, you're so much better than all of them. You're the one I let get away from me, and if I could turn back time and make sure both of us forgot that one thing; that would be it. I would hold you when you cried, and I would make sure nothing bad ever happened to you._

_The day we found you in that room, with that boy, and you were high on drugs, practically naked... All I could think about was how lost you looked, how depressed, how desperate you were. You still looked beautiful but you were not the Rikki I fell in love with, you were not the one I miss, I don't know what happened Rikki, I wish I could figure it all out but you are just like a closed book. I wish I could take away all the pain you are feeling, I want to be able to kiss you and hold you in my arms, I want to tell you everything is okay and I want to let you know how much I love you. I am always going to be here, and I really hope when you get out of there you can run back into my arms. If you can ever forgive me. _

_I just want to see you smile again. _

_I need to know you're okay and happy. _

_I love you, you're my world, I have memorized every single thing about you. Your beautiful, ocean blue eyes, so deep and so hidden. The small blush you get every time I kiss you, the way you look away from me and try to get away when you feel like you're going to cry. I love your grin, it always looks like you're up to something. I love the way you smile at me when you say hello, I even love the way you frown. You look beautiful even when you're angry. _

_You could be someone Rikki, you could make anything of yourself one day, and when you're better you're going to carry on doing well in school, ask anyone Rikki, we all know you're going places, you're going to be okay. _

_Right now, you're so far away, I miss you so much, I wish you were laying next to me, I wish you were asleep in my arms, I wish I could reach out and hold you right now. I wish I could kiss you. I wish I could hold your hand. _

_And when you come back, I really hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for being so selfish, I miss you so much and I love you... I want you to be happy, and if being without me makes you happy then I could accept that. I will just be friends, if that is what you want. As long as I can hold you again, I don't mind. As long as you let me look into those deep eyes, and as long as you let me touch your warm skin. I just want to be with you, you are the Juliet and I, Romeo. You are the love of my life, and I would die for you, I would die if I had to live without you I think. It took you being away for me to realize this, and I am sorry about that. _

_I LOVE YOU _

_Zane xxxxxxxxxxxxxx_

I wipe away the tears from my face and keep the letter in my hands for a minute before looking up at Gemma, I watch as she looks at the one letter in her hand with disgust.

"What's wrong?' She shakes her head at me as she storms off into the woods, to think on her own. This time I don't go after her, instead I pick up the letter she chucked on the floor.

"What was wrong with Gemma?" Carl smiles at me as he sits next to me, I open the crumpled letter and read it quickly. Shaking my head and muttering an 'oh no' when I was finished, handing it to Carl and looking around for Robert or someone.

"She is being sent back to that place." Carl gulped and looked at the direction she had run to. I nodded,

"Her Dad don't want her there, he can't handle it, he thinks sending her there is the answer but it's only going to make her worse, it's only going to make her hate herself more than she already does. He is seriously deluded if he thinks he is helping her." I sigh and get up to walk after Gemma, she will only need a few minutes alone before I talk to her.

I can't believe she is being sent back to that place, she won't be able to handle it one more time. I won't be able to see her again.

I shake my head and kick a rock when I think about never seeing one of my best friends ever again, it would be too hard.


	20. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

I smile at Gemma as best I can but she just shakes her head,watching as others start walking over to their parents. I sigh and then start looking for mine in the crowd,grinning when I see them waving at me. I nod at the counselors and then hug Gemma tightly before running over to them, waving back.

"Dad, Mum." I smile at them, wrapping my arms as tight as I can manage around my Dad's neck. He seems surprised at my gesture, as he wraps his own arms around my waist,

"I missed you." He whispers into my ear, I nod and then pull away from him, looking at my Mum, I hug her for a moment and then look around at my friends being greeted by their own parents.

"How is it?" I shrug,

"I hated it at first, but I have made good friends and I am starting to see what I did wrong. I am starting to see where everything started to mess up." I nodded and sighed when my Dad looked towards the Counselors.

"Are they good?" I nodded and then looked at Robert,

"They help a lot I guess."

"That's good." I laugh a little and then start to walk over to the drinks table, Mum and Dad following me. I turn when we reach the table,

"I can come home,right?" I watch as my Dad looks at Mum and she shrugs,

"They said they wanted to talk to us first." A wave of panic washes over me and I struggle to think for a moment,I can't be sent away again,I can't and I won't do it. I shake my head at them and watch as a tear falls down my Dad's face,

"Don't make me stay here," I whisper,my breath shaking. I roll up my sleeve,showing them my scars, "

I hate it,please don't make me stay here. I can't handle it here, I don't belong here. I never have and I don't think I ever will, please you can't make me do this." A tear falls down my cheek but I don't wipe it away, I want them to see it,I need them to feel guilty,they have to let me go home, they can't let me stay here. I won't let them.

"We are so sorry."

"NO! I am not going to stay here," I get up off the seat I sat on before, shaking my head, ignoring the prying eyes around me.

"Did you know about this?" My Mum shouts angrily at Robert, he calmly walks over and nods, looking at my still rolled up sleeve.

"We dealt with it at the time, it hasn't happened since we found out and it won't happen again. We would have told you if it was serious, we would have told you if she carried on. But she hasn't and no cuts had to be taken into the emergency room. She is okay." He looks at me but I put my arms over my chest and look away, towards Gemma.

"Go over there for a moment please Rikki." He says to me, I sigh heavily as I walk over to Gemma and shake my head. I look towards my parents,not wanting to know the decision they were about to make.

"What's happening?" Gemma whispers to me, I shake my head

"They still don't want me." I mutter as I continue to stare at them, Robert finally calls me over, I slowly walk over, my arms still over my chest, refusing to smile.

"We will talk later, right now we have some group work to do, okay?" I nod at him, knowing better than to get on his bad side. I look at my parents and sigh as I drop my arms to my side, I watch as Robert starts to speak at the front of the crowd, his voice loud and booming, echoing off the mountains around us.

"Now then, I want all of you to turn to your children and tell them why you sent them here." I look at him and then turn to my parents,waiting for their answer. Mum clears her throat, and looks at me straight in the face.

"I sent you here because I want you to find what you're missing. You have been lost along the way Rikki, I know you're not a bad kid. I know I haven't been around a lot, I know that I have hurt you in the past, but that is all going to change from now on. I thought it would be better to send you somewhere you can get help, I wanted to see you happy again. I don't like seeing you hurting so bad,I can't stand to look at the pain in your eyes. I just want you to discover yourself again, I want you to be at peace with yourself. We both love you so much." She reaches out her hand to me but I step back, shaking my head, warning her not to touch me. She understands the gesture and drops her arm, looking at my Dad.

"I sent you here because I couldn't help you anymore, all I have ever wanted is to see you happy, to smile when you smile,laugh when you do. But then the glitter went from your eyes, you would no longer smile, you never laughed, you were someone neither of us recognized. You don't even know who you are anymore Rikki, I can see that. You have lost so much, so many friends, and I want to make it all better for you, I know the only way I can help you is by making sure you get the help you need. I had to send you here because it came to a point where I could no longer save you from yourself, I didn't know how to help you and I am sorry for letting it get this far." He looks down at the floor, covering up the tears falling down his face. I shook my head in disbelief, he never cried, I had never seen him cry before. It felt strange, I had the sudden urge to clear the gap between us, and put my arms around him, but I refused myself,I wouldn't let them win. I wasn't planning on making this easy for them, if they wanted to help me then they should let me go home, they shouldn't be sending me somewhere worse. They should try to help me,not fob me off onto strangers, hoping everything would get better soon. I nodded once at them, watching as Robert came up behind them,putting his hand on my Dad's shoulder,smiling at him. I shake my head and gulp.

"Don't do this." I warn them,shaking my head and trying my best to not cry.

"I am so sorry baby girl." My Dad shakes his head, I look down, he can't do this to me. I didn't mean for things to get this bad;Please don't send me away.

I wanted to get down on my knees and beg for him to let me stay with him, to let me be happy again, I wanted his help, not a strangers.

But I didn't.

I remained stubborn, refusing to look him in the eyes, instead looking at the ground. I felt Robert by my side,

"She will be okay." He assures them, but he is so wrong. I won't be okay, I will never be okay again. He takes my arm and leads me over to the small group of teenagers waiting by the van, he grabs my bag on the way there. I nod at Gemma and Robert lets go, I look back at them,

"You will regret this!" I shout back at them, watching as they turn away and go back to their happy lives.

I sigh as I get into the van, not wanting to leave the mountains all of a sudden. It had to be better than the place they were sending me; Anything was better than that place from what I have heard from the other teenagers.

Anything.


	21. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

I slowly get off the bus and look around at the teenagers all rushing to their next class. I smile a little, their rush reminding me of Emma in some way, and then look at Gemma next to me. Since the journey all the color had drained from her face, I had noticed her hands shaking when I was sitting next to her, I was nervous as well but it couldn't be that bad, could it?

I smiled at her and linked my arm in hers, trying to reassure her that this time she had someone with her. This time I was going to help her. This time it would be her last time here. I had to make sure of that.

I sigh as we follow the counselor in front of us, showing us around, I don't listen though, I just stare at the other people here; When did I become like them?

"Like robots ain't they?" Gemma whispers to me, I nod at her and then giggle as two girls stare at us, not moving. Gemma soon joins in, freezing when we come across a large woman walking towards us. I squeeze her arm tightly, asking her with my eyes, what's wrong? She shakes her head at me, still looking at the woman now walking down the steps to the large building.

"Nice to see you again Gemma." I note the emphasis on again, Gemma just nods and looks down at the floor,

"Who is she?" I whisper,

"One of the shrinks here." She wrinkles her nose in disgust,

"She will probably have you as well, she thinks people like us are a challenge, she likes a challenge?" I step back for a moment, letting go of her arm and shaking my head at her, not understanding

"People like us?"

"You know what I mean, people who have drink or drug problems, people who try to kill themselves, people who do.." She grabs my arm, lifting up the sleeve, and points at the scars running down my arm,

"...that." I shake my head again and pull my arm away from her, wiping the tears falling down my face away.

"Whatever." I mutter, I can't think of another response to that, because I know she is right, people like _us. _I was no better than anyone here, I was just like them, I may be worse than some of them. The moment of realization hits me when I take in those around me, when I finally understand that I am them. I thought I was so different all this time, I thought I was better, but I am not.

It was no longer me and them. It was us.

_Just like us. **Us.**_


	22. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

"Oh Rikki, Rikki, Rikki..." I roll my eyes at the woman in front of me as I get up of my seat and walk over to the other side of the room, looking out of the large window.

"What?" I mutter under my breath, turning around to stare at her.

"You think you have it all figured out, don't you?"

"Obviously." I roll my eyes, and turn away again. Counting the minutes until I can get out of here, waiting for the bell to ring to signal my next class. I hated this hour with her, she never shut up, she wanted to cure me, fix me, she wanted me to be someone else. Someone I couldn't be at the moment. I didn't want to be right now. I couldn't be the old Rikki everyone seemed to love so much, I don't know where she is. I don't know who she is anymore. I have to find her again, I have to be her again, but I have lost her on my way.

I have lost everything I was and now I can't fix it anymore. Jayne, the stupid shrink here, she thinks she can help me, but how can she help me, if I am not ready to help myself?

Don't they say you can't help anyone, until they want help themselves? You can't help people who won't help themselves, right?

"You think you know the best ways to get out of this place, that is why you don't say anything to anyone, you don't do anything that we could deem bad."

"I don't know what you're on about."

"What if I told you the best way to get out of here, what if I told you that the best way to get out of here, one of the only ways you're going to get out of here, is to find yourself?"

"Wow! That was deep." I sighed and folded my arms over my chest, I couldn't take much more of her crap, I don't care about finding myself, I only care about going home. I don't care much about anything else.

I run to my bag on the chair as soon as the bell goes, grinning to myself as I run out of the room.

"My God that dragged." I roll my eyes and shake my head as I run past Gemma, grabbing her arm on the way out of the school doors. I look around quickly, and take her around behind a tree,

"She was going on about finding myself or something." I giggle as we both sit down and look out beyond the large gates surrounding the whole building.

"We will be out of here one day Gemma, and I don't know.. I will make sure you're okay. You can come and live with me or something... Yes!" I grin to myself and grab her hand,

"There is enough room in my bedroom for another bed, it would be amazing.. And you could go to my school."

"Rikki..."

"And then you could meet my best friends, and you could come to JuiceNet with us, that's a juice bar by the way and of course Mako Island..." I just carry on, no regard for Gemma, I am in my own little world, a perfect world, where everything works out for the better. Even though it may not be that way in real life.

"Rikki come on." She looks down at her hands, I finally stop talking, noticing the sudden change in her mood.

"What? You don't want to?" I wrinkle my nose, looking at her,

"No, it's just.. That's all your life, not mine."

"Well I think that maybe it could be your life, anything has to be better than this... back and forth this place and the camp. Do you want to carry on living like that?"

"No, but I have nowhere else to go Rikki, you know that. I can't go home, I am not wanted home, can't you see that? I can't go to your home, because it's not me. I can't invade on your life, I would only end up hurting you." I sigh and shake my head,

"You're one of my best friends, you couldn't hurt me." I grab her hand and squeeze it, smiling at her.

"It'll all be okay."

"We need to get to class, we will have to use the toilet excuse again." I roll my eyes,

"Damn we ain't going to get away with that one for much longer."

"I am sure you could think of something else when it expires." I laugh as I get up and grab my bag,

"Come on then... Science." I roll my eyes, this place is worse than school and I thought school was bad.

--

"Rikki?" Gemma whispers to me, I look at her, rubbing my eyes. It's 2am in the morning, everyone else is asleep in our dormitory.

"What?" I whisper back, laying back down and looking at her, she is on the bed on the side of me, not so far away.

"I can't sleep." She mutters, playing with her hands,

"Sorry for waking you."

"Don't worry about it, you want to talk?" She nods and I get out of bed,sitting on the end of hers.

"I am always here, you don't have to worry about that."

"Thank you so much."

"No problem, what is it?"

"I, keep having dreams... nightmares. I can't think of anything else Rikki, every time I close my eyes I see him, I dream about the time I told Dad, when he told me I was lying. I can't think about anything else. How am I supposed to get over this if I can't think about anything other than that? What am I supposed to do?" I grab her hand, and wipe away the tears from her face, glad that tears don't turn me into a mermaid, I didn't want to go through that with someone. Not now. Not when there are bigger things to worry about, like my best friend suffering at the hands of someone I don't even know. He causes her pain everyday, and she won't tell anyone, she can't move on from anything... She thinks everyone will think she is lying. She don't want to go through all that again, not like she did with her Dad. I sigh and shake my head,

"It's going to get easier, I promise you, it won't be this bad forever. You'll be okay soon, I will make sure of it. But you have to tell someone." She sniffs and wipes away a tear with her spare hand – the one I am not holding – and then lets it drop down next to her.

"I know I should but it's so hard, I can't help but think I will be accused of lying again. I can't go through that again, please Rikki." She starts to sob as her body shakes from all the tears, I shake my head and put my arm around her,

"It'll be okay, I promise you, I won't make you tell anyone, I won't. Not yet, not until you're ready." I whisper to her, as I rub her back.

"Thank you so much Rikki, I am so glad I met you." I laugh a little

"Shame about the conditions we met on though." I grin at her, winking as I pull back and then move over towards my own bed,

"Night Rikki."

"Night." I close my eyes and think about being a mermaid again, I don't remember what it was like to be able to swim with Emma and Cleo, I remember it of course, but I have nothing more than memories of those moments. I only feel the loneliness I felt when I was a mermaid now, I don't feel like I have ever had anyone to share my secret with. I don't remember what it must have been like. I want to go back to it so badly, I need them again. I need that life, that feeling. I can't live like this much longer. Waiting for my next hit, I won't do it again.


	23. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

I sigh as I walk from English and into Jayne's office. Stupid sessions, I hate them, they are so boring. I have had exactly six weeks of them now. And I don't feel any different, so much for them working for everyone. Don't help Gemma either, it would of course help if she told them what was wrong with her, but she never opened her mouth about that. She wouldn't.

"We are going to try something different today." Jayne says as I sit across from her, she is sitting behind her desk, looking through some paperwork as I set my bag down on the chair next to me.

"Okay whatever." I roll my eyes and look around her office, all the certificates on the wall, all the photographs surrounding room, all the people she has met and helps – their letters are pinned up on a big board on one side – Sometimes I look at them and wonder if I will ever send her one of these, if I will be sending her photographs of my new life, letters on how amazing it is. How much better I am.

Even if I was better though, would I thank her? Would I send her letters full of fake gratitude and happy memories of this place?

I look at her as I she picks up a small mirror and holds it out to me, I look at her raising one eyebrow, taking the mirror slowly.

"What do you want me to do with this?" I don't nod towards it, I don't even want to look in it, I don't want to see the mess I have become, I ain't ready for it yet.

"I want you to look into that mirror and tell me what you say, who you are." I laugh nervously, and shake my head,

"And what good is that? I don't think it would help me in anyway." I shrug and set the mirror down on her desk, shaking my head. I sigh as I look around the room, not looking at Jayne.

"Just do it Rikki, there is no need to be awkward about this. It's not that hard, it's a simple task." I shrug again and watch her as she picks up the mirror, walking over to me and places it in front of me, I stare at my reflection and look away quickly. Ashamed by what I see.

"Tell me what you see." She repeats, I roll my eyes and grab the mirror off her and stare into my eyes, thinking for a moment.

"I don't know, what do you want me to see?" She shakes her head,

"This is honesty Rikki, not what I want you to see."

"Give me an example then." I wrinkle my nose, not liking this task at all,

"Bad daughter." She sits down next to me, moving my bag out of the way. I nod once and then look into the mirror,

"I am a bad daughter."

"I want you to shout it Rikki."

"I am a bad daughter." I say a little louder, staring at my own reflection in disgust, that was the truth, I was a terrible daughter, stupid, ugly, fat, horrible, horrible daughter. I didn't even deserve my parents, someone like Gemma needed them. My Dad was amazing, he would make a wonderful Dad to someone who deserved it.

"Louder."

"BAD DAUGHTER!" I shout as loud as I can, holding back the tears, looking away from her and then back at the mirror,

"Bad daughter..." I whisper to myself, shaking my head.

"What else do you see?" I shrug and look deep into the mirror,

"Horrible friend, terrible girlfriend." She nods,

"What else Rikki?"

"Undeserving, stupid, stupid girl..."

"And?" I watch her edge closer, suddenly interested in what I am saying, I shake my head and go to set the mirror down, her hand stopping me, I look at the reflection again,

"Ugly, fat, stupid, worthless girl, okay?" I shake my head and look out of the large window, waiting for the bell to ring, knowing it wasn't going to go off anytime soon.

"You're a horrible person as well ain't you? You betray anyone who ever loved you? You steal from them and ignore them, you make them all hate you. You're hated Rikki." She whispers, I shake my head,

"No... No they don't hate me." Tears start falling down my face but this time I don't care, I don't bother holding them back.

"They don't hate me.." I whisper, chucking the mirror across the room, watching it as it smashes against the wall. I draw my knees up to my chest and look out of the window, not noticing Jayne move to the other side of me and put her arm around me,

"I thought you were supposed to help me, not screw me up even more than I already am. I thought you were here to make me better.."

"I had to know what you were thinking Rikki, I have found the one thing you know is not true. You're not hated." She smoothed out my hair, as the tears carry on falling down my face, I sniff and look at her for a moment,

"They should hate me though, I would hate me if I was them.. I hate me..." I sigh as I curl up tightly, hiding my face from her.

"It's okay, we need to work on everything else, we need to make sure you realize that you're none of those things. We are finally getting somewhere, it's okay."

"Can I go now?" She nods and I grab my bag, running out of there and into the bathroom. Stupid girl. I opened up to her and now she knows exactly how I feel. Now she knows who I really am. Now she thinks she can help me, I don't need her help, I don't want her help.


	24. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

"Is your Dad coming?" I sit next to Gemma and she shakes her head, I sigh loudly and put my hand on top of hers.

"It'll be okay, I promise. I better be off, see you soon." I roll my eyes and then wink at her as I stand up, walking over to the crowd of people waiting for their own parents. I soon join them, watching as cars crowd into the large car park, waiting to see my Dad and Mum climb out.

"Rikki!" I look over at them, grinning and running over to them; Forgetting everything that had happened last time, not wanting to remember anything I had said to them and it looked like they had done the same.

"Wow. You look so much better." Mum says as she kisses my cheek, hugging me tightly. I shake my head as I pat her back and then put my arms tightly around my Dad,

"I miss you." He whispers into my ear and I nod,

"Miss you too old man." I poke my tongue out at him, just like the old days. He laughs at me and then walks off, taking my hand as we walk around the grounds of the place I have called my home for two months now.

"How is it here?"

"Good, I get on with a lot of people in my classes, and I am on an average A grade." I grin at them, as I dig into my pockets for my report card, handing it proudly to my Dad.

"Wow well done Rikki, this is the best you have ever done." I nod and then look around,

"There isn't much to do around here except study."

"I always knew you had it in you kid." He grins at me as he ruffles my hair, I laugh at him and then link my arm in his as we carry on walking.

"I will show you my room if you both want?" I smile at them and lead the way when the nod. I need to show them that I am ready for this, I need to show them that I can come home and be safe. I can do this. I just need to make sure they believe me.

---

"Right we better be off to see this Jayne now." I nod at them as we walk out of my room and towards the main building.

"Is she good?" I shrug,

"She thinks she is.." I laugh a little and then sigh,

"She is okay, she is helping me when I want it. But I will have days when I don't really care about anything she is saying." I look down at the floor, kicking a stone out of the way, smiling at them when I look up and open the door for them.

"This should be fun then.." I roll my eyes as we walk into her office, I don't bother knocking, she knows I am coming, she always knows when I am coming.

---

"Today Rikki, I want you to talk about everything you did while you were at home." I look up at her nervously, shooting glances towards my parents and shaking my head,

"Everything?"

"It's better to get off your chest, just try the honesty for once please Rikki." I sigh and nod, knowing she was right, so I take a deep breath.

"Um.. I would drink a lot... I would smoke pot and whatever else I could get my hands on." I looked down ashamed, avoiding their glances,

"I would sell pot for more money and steal from you two when I could... I smoke cigarettes, I do stuff with boys." My Dad shoots a look at me but I shake my head and put my hand on top of his,

"I promise you I haven't done that, I am still a virgin." He sighs a sigh of relief and smiles at me,

"That's one thing then," I nod at my own lie.. I couldn't tell him all the stuff I have done, it would break his heart and I can't do that to him. I can't let him know how many times I was so high I didn't know what I was doing, the times when I was so desperate I would just lay there and take whatever the guy wanted to do to me, just for my next hit. I shook my head and closed my eyes, quickly letting go of his hand and sighing,

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, I am fine.."

"Anything else Rikki?" I look at Jayne and think for a moment,

"Everything?" I gulp and she nods once more, patiently. I look down,

"I sneak out to go to parties, I don't go to school much, and when I do I don't listen, I answer back to the teachers...

"I umm.. I cut myself.. but I haven't done it since I got here.. I am fine now... I tried to kill myself twice before coming here as well.. before going to the camp as well.. I tried it, but I always failed."I look down at my hands, fighting the tears about to fall down my face. I shake my head and then look up at them, to see their smiling faces.

"Thank you for sharing that with us Rikki, it means a lot." My Mum puts her hand on top of my shaking one and nods at me,

"It'll all be okay now." I look at her and nod, trying to believe the words I have told Gemma so many times.

"We are so sorry that we couldn't be here, was it the divorce? I hate the fact that we are to blame for this." She looks down and shakes her head, I grab her hand, squeezing it,

"It has nothing to do with you, it's all my choices. I am the only one to blame for this."

"I am so proud of you." My Dad puts his arm around my shoulders, smiling at me and kissing my cheek gently.

"Thank you." I whisper to him, nodding at Jayne.

I grin as we walk out, "That was better than I thought it would be." They both look at each other and nod, "A lot better."

"Mum, Dad... I don't belong here, please let me come home with you now." I stop in my tracks, turning to face them, begging them with my eyes, hoping they would say 'of course you can come home.' But instead Dad shakes his head and looks me in the eyes,

"You're not ready to come home yet, I promise you that one day soon, we will be able to pick you up from this place and then everything will be alright." I nod, and try to smile at him as he puts his arms around me once more, and they turn to go to their car. I shake my head as they drive away and let the tears fall down my face, barely noticing Gemma besides me, I look at her for a moment when she puts her arms around me.

"I need to get away from here Gemma, please." I sigh as I watch them go back to their lives without me, it wasn't fair while I was stuck in here, I wanted to be happy again but I was never going to be happy here, I had no chance in a place I hated. Gemma just nodded, not needing to question me. She knew exactly how I felt because she felt the same. I smiled at her as I walked off to pack some stuff I would need. Tonight was going to be a long night.

---

"Rikki?" I felt someone shaking my from my warm bed, and for a moment I forgot all our plans for that night. I looked at Gemma, suddenly remembering and scrambling out of my bed, grabbing a small bag hidden under my bed. I nod at her and run after her, frowning when we get to the gates. This was going to be the hardest part, once we were past this point it would be okay. They would have to find us, but it would be near impossible when we didn't want to be found.

I watch as Gemma scrambles to her knees and starts digging at the dirt, making a hole for us to climb under the gate. I soon copy her actions, grinning as I do so. This was our escape route, another half an hour and we would be happy. I smiled and carried on digging, ignoring the pain in my hands. This was the once chance I had and I wasn't going to give it up for anything.

Finally, we got through the small hole and onto the other side. I sighed and looked around, "We need to move quickly, they will notice our empty beds soon." Gemma whispers, I nod at her and run through the trees with her.

Happiness.

Freedom.


	25. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

I huddle up next to Gemma, trying to block out the freezing weather, ignoring our chattering teeth and shaking bodies. Gemma has been sick the past few days since we got out of that hell, she was pale and constantly shaking, I had to get her out of here. But we had no money, begging wasn't working, I didn't know what to was no point in speaking to each other, we already knew what the other was were usually thinking the same.

I sigh loudly as I look across the street at two large men walking towards us, Gemma closes her eyes and puts her head on my shoulders. I just stared at them, watching as they looked at us, grinning at us. I shook my head and looked away, hoping they would get the hint. Maybe if I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep then they would leave us alone. "Hey beautiful." I opened my eyes again and looked at them, shooting them a dirty look, telling them to leave us alone. I watched as Gemma opened her own eyes, and then shifted uncomfortably, looking at me nervously. I could already see the tears in her eyes, I shook my head and squeezed her hand gently, telling her everything was going to be alright.

They were right in front of us know, staring at us, winking, grinning, moving closer. I retreated further back into the wall I was sitting against.

"Leave us alone."

"Come on. You both must be starving, just a quick something. Anything you want." I watched as they reached into their pockets, bringing out their wallets, filled with money. I shook my head,

"We don't do anything like that, sorry." I mutter, Gemma was shaking. She didn't. I did.

"Just one of you then, come on." I sighed and then looked across the road at their car,

"Fine then, but she comes and stays in the car.... okay?" She looked at me wide-eyed and shook her head,

"Don't do this please Rikki, we don't need the money badly."

"We need that bus ticket, we ain't going to get it through this alone," I lifted up the small bowl we had for collecting money from begging,

"We need more money, we only need $50 and then we can go, I promise I will be okay. I have done this before, remember?" Referring to all the times I would do whatever I could, whatever they wanted, just for some money. No, not money... drugs. Everything was about drugs, more drugs, had to always have more, forget my feelings, be someone else. Drugs. Drugs. Drugs.

Now it was about getting out of here, running away from the life that I had once enjoyed. Running as far as I could - Well, we could - from that prison, we didn't belong there. I know I needed help, but I got that help and now I should be home and Gemma never should have been there. Her Dad should have believed her and helped her, but instead he ignored her pleas for help, he told her she was a liar. I would have turned to drugs as well, anyone would have.

I shake my head at my own thoughts, pulling myself out and trying to ignore the urge to run away from the two men in front of me. I feel Gemma's hand getting tighter, clammier in my own. I can feel her breath quicken, keeping up pace with my own heartbeat. I am no longer shaking through the cold, instead I am nervous, almost crying out with fear but I get up because I know that Gemma, or I, cannot last longer in these conditions. We need to get away, where one day we can forget about all the bad things I have done, and move on from it all. So many bad things...

I pull Gemma up with me and lead her behind the two men towards their car,

"You don't have to do this," Gemma whispers to me, I nod as tears roll down my face,

"I will be okay..."

"No you won't. Before when you did all this you were high or drunk, you didn't actually want to do anything like that.. you wouldn't have done it if you were sober, just like you don't want to actually do it right now. You only feel like you have to Rikki, but I promise you that you don't have to." I shake my head and turn away from her, sighing when we get to the car. They open the back door and Gemma gets in, a worried look on her face. I look around for a moment before climbing in, not seeing the five men running towards us until the car door is slammed.

I grab Gemma's hand, closing my eyes, ignoring the greed and lust in the two men's eyes in the mirror, I had to do this for Gemma, for me.. I had to get out of here.

"Stop!" I shake my head as I see a man run in front of the car, about to pull out. I look at Gemma in surprise, not knowing who they were. I could feel tears rolling down my face once more as I thought about what men could possibly want from two teenage girls, two desperate teenage girls, homeless and cold. I shrugged as one of the men in front of the car looked at me, questioning me. Thinking this was all my fault.

I look down at my shaking hands as one of the men opens my side of the car door, they look at Gemma and I, shaking their heads and grabbing my arm.

"Rikki Evie Chadwick and Gemma Paula Winters? Step out of the car please." I stop shaking at the authority in their voices,

"We are taking you back." I shake my head at them and pull my arm back,

"No please." Gemma pleads with them next to me but I can tell they have already won this battle. But it won't stop us leaving again.

Nothing can stop us from getting away.

Nothing or no one.


	26. Chapter 25

_I look around me, hearing footsteps not so far behind me. That's when I sprint, not looking where I am going, only seeing the blurs or objects, people.. only catching small glimpses of their faces. I don't stop to look; I want to but I can't. Someone is chasing me, they won't halter. I am forever guilty, forever in their debt, they are always going to be after me. I can feel it deep down, the shame, my conscious eating away at me; Telling me I have done something wrong, I just don't know it yet. What is it? What have I done? _

_That's when I fall over, and as I roll over, I look at the full moon in the sky and shake my head. Before I know it, I lift up my hands, looking at them in the silver light, it's glittering off something, a substance on my hands, but I don't know what it is. I can't see clearly, I bring them closer, noticing the red liquid dripping off them. I shake my head and quickly get up, not knowing, not comprehending where all the blood came from, and I keep wiping it away but it's back, it won't stop growing, dripping, someone is dying... fading... disappearing... dying.. _

_I can't shake the feeling that it's all my fault, I have done something, I have hurt someone and I don't know who. I carry on running, ignoring the blood, trying to think of something else. Then I look at someone in front of me, realizing who the blood is from; Gemma. I run over to her, screaming her name, she is just laying there. Pale and shaken. It's my fault.. it's all my fault and I, like Lady Macbeth, will never be able to get the blood off my hands._

I wake up suddenly and look around the room, I can feel my legs shake as I notice Gemma is not in her bed. I shake my head, she wouldn't do anything, she wouldn't do this to me. She wanted to be happy, she wanted it more than anything. I already know though, I know as soon as I approach her bed. I let a tear slide down my cheek and onto the small, pink, paper note laying on her cushion. Underneath it is her favorite teddy bear – Sam – I shake my head instantly knowing what this means. I take the note in my hands, scanning it, never taking in the words. I look around the room once more, and run out as fast as I can.

She wouldn't do this, please don't let her do this. Tears plummet down my face, leaving wet patches on my pale skin. I can feel my whole body shaking, my best friend could be dead right now and what can I do about it?

I should have woken up sooner.

I should have been there for her.

I should have saved her from coming back here.

I should have …

I should have...

I sigh as I close my eyes, reaching the gate, there is no hole though. She couldn't have made it, not yet. And that's when I hear her, "Rikki?:" I turn around and speed towards her, grabbing her before she collapses onto the dirt ground, clinging to a tree. I hold her in my arms and shake my head, not caring that my tears splash onto her.

"What did you take?"

"Don't worry." She stutters out, I shake her, trying not to damage her in anyway. I love her so much, she is my best friend, I can't have her leave me as well. I don't want to be alone. Don't let me be alone.

I fight the urge to run from all of this, to turn my back on her, scramble out of the gates and run, never stopping. I have said this so many times, I am meant to be a loner. I have always been alone, that's the way things were supposed to be. I ruined everything when I made friends, it's all my fault. This is all my fault.

I can feel my heart beating fast, too fast and I shake my head.

"Help!" I scream as loud as I can,

"Please help me.." I whisper as Gemma touches my face with her freezing hand, smiling up at me.

"I will be okay now, I am going to be safe."

"No you're not going to be okay, please."

"I am sorry." She croaks out, I shake my head,

"No. Don't speak.. It's going to be okay,." I look around, hearing people shout, footsteps close.. closer.

"You have been an amazing friend, never forget that." I look away from her before looking into her eyes,

"Gemma, don't leave me. We are going to get out of here, we will be happy."

"No, you're going to be happy, I will never be happy again. I am giving you a chance. I don't want to burden you with me." I shake my head quickly, the tears never cease, still splashing onto her dressing gown.

"Don't leave me, you're not a burden, you're anything but that. Please."

"I love you." I shake my head,

"No, please. You're going to be okay." I watch her as she closes her eyes, still holding her in my arms, not hearing anyone come.

"Help." I whisper,

"No, don't leave me, don't die. I need you." I feel someone pull me off her, but I feel numb. The tears finally stopping, she isn't dead, it's just a dream, it's okay.

"Rikki what happened?"

"She wanted to die." I mutter as I am helped up by someone next to me, I don't see their faces, I only see Gemma's.

"She wanted to." I shake my head and feel the woman next to me grab my arm,

"Come on." I follow her willingly, not fighting her. I don't have the energy to fight anymore. I don't want to.

I walk into the bedroom and stare at the note on the floor, I slowly pick it up. Only now reading it properly.

_**Rikki, **_

_**I will be gone hopefully when you read this, I am so sorry that I couldn't be the friend you deserved so badly. I needed someone and you were always there for me, but because of everything I have always felt like I can never return the favor. I can never thank you enough for everything you have done for me, and I can't bare to burden you anymore, you are the only person who has ever believed me and I don't think I could ask for anything more off you. **_

_**I hope that one day you can see how much you deserve a normal, happy life. One filled with joy, family and a life. Don't let this eat you up anymore, don't let it destroy you. I have let this get the best of me, I let it kill me but I won't let it do the same to you.**_

_**I am always going to watch over you. This is my favor to you. **_

_**I love you, my best friend forever. **_

_**Gemma **_


	27. Chapter 26

"Look at me." I watch Jayne as she walks over to me, turning my head to look at her, I don't move though. I don't even flinch away from her cold touch. She gets down to my level and shakes her head,

"Don't you dare blame yourself." I don't say or do anything, I just stare ahead, never really listening, never really seeing, never caring. For I know that it is my fault, that dream I had.. Blood on my hands.. Lady Macbeth... I was never going to be able to move on from this. I wasn't going to forget Gemma and I wasn't going to obliterate that guilty feeling.

"Gemma was in a lot of pain and she felt like this was the only way out." I nod and she seems surprised by my first reaction at all towards the death. I look at her then,

"Let me go home." I whisper,

"Not yet, you're not ready."

"I am never going to be ready, please there are too many memories here." I look around slowly and then back at her, she can see the pleading, the desperation in my eyes. But I see the stubbornness and the distrust in hers. She won't let me go home, not until she is ready to accept the fact that I am not going to try anything, I am not going to go back to the way my life was before, I am not going to do everything like I did before. I owe it to Gemma to get over this, it's the least I can do. I sigh and then get up off my seat, finally easing myself out of the shock that inevitably took over my life since Gemma's death a week ago.

"I am sorry Rikki, not yet."

"When then?" I look out of the window and walk as far away from her as possible, afraid I am going to lose my temper as my fist clenches. I close my eyes and think of my happy place for a moment, Mako Island is the first place that comes to mind. The MoonPool, so beautiful and peaceful, non judgemental like everyone else here.

"I don't know when Rikki, as soon as I feel you're ready."

"I am ready, I promise you. I can't stay here anymore."

"I really am sorry." She shakes her head as she sits down behind her desk, looking through some papers. I sigh loudly and then run my fingers through my hair,

"Look, Gemma had real problems, major problems that she couldn't escape from. But I... my problems aren't like hers, I made them for myself, I can break away from my... predicament.. and I can move on with my life. She is never going to be able to do that, but I want to do this for me and for her. I was being so selfish, making issues out of stuff that wasn't even there, wasn't even important." I pause for a moment to think,

"I really did think I had problems but I never did. I only thought I did, does that make me a bad person?" I wrinkle my nose at her and she shakes her head,

"It doesn't make you a bad person Rikki, there are obviously some issues you haven't addressed though. That sort of behavior doesn't start for no partiular reason. I know that Gemma and many others here, may have severe issues that they need to think about and adress but that doesn't make them better or worse than you. Gemma killed herself, it wasn't the best option but.." I look at her and she pauses,

"She thought it was the best option, okay? She did what she thought best for her. She couldn't handle being in and out of this place for the rest of her life. You were killing her and so was her Dad, if he had only believed her then none of this would have happened. She would still be that happy girl she was before and she would be alive." I sigh and look away from her,

"She wanted to die, she always wanted to die after he told her she was a liar. She never thought about anything else, and with every failed attempt... She died a little more and it carried on and one day she did it, and I understand now that it wasn't my fault. If I hadn't have been here, she may have done it sooner. Just don't talk about Gemma, you have no right." I snarl at her as I turn around to face her. She looks shocked and hurt but I don't care, Gemma tried to tell her how she felt but she would never listen because she always thinks she is right. Well sorry Jayne, but for once you're wrong.

"I think I am ready to go home now."

"And I don't think you are."

"Just listen to me, please... Gemma is happier now, I hope.. She didn't have faith and she didn't have a home to go to. But I do, please let me go." I watch as she shakes her head and I lower my head in defeat, not uttering another word as I grab my bag and get out of there.

That night I pack my bag as quickly as I can, taking everything this time. I wasn't planning on being caught and I wasn't planning on coming back. I was going to be okay, I was ready and even if Jayne couldn't see that, my Dad would. And if he didn't... Zane, Emma, Cleo or Lewis would.

Someone would see.

Someone had to realize how far I had come.

I knew it.


	28. The End

I wander around for a while, not really knowing where to go with no money. Hoping that nobody would attract any attention towards me, just in case that meant I had to go back to that place. I wander around for days, endlessly looking for someone that could help me, something that could aid me in phoning my Dad.

Finally, luck is on my side and in that moment I really believe that Gemma is watching over me as I find a poster for a local runaway's help center. This was the answer, I could phone my Dad and tell him I was okay, I could ask for him to pick me up as I wasn't that far from home. I could beg for him to let me back home, inform him how ready I am and how much I wished I could forget about it all.

"Dad?" I whisper into the phone, clutching onto it like a lifeline, I hear a sigh of relief as he mutters something to someone behind him. I try not to think about that for a minute, focusing on the reason I called.

"Dad.. please don't make me go back to that place. I know I have done something wrong by running away but I am ready to come home. I promise you and I swear that if I do anything wrong, anything you deem to be suspicious or anything like that... you can hawk me back to that place and I won't complain. I promise Daddy, please.." Tears fall down my face and I hear him sniff on the other side,

"I heard about your friend, I am so sorry Rikki."

"Dad, I need you to believe me when I tell you I am ready, please you have to."

"I do, I can tell you're not faking this Rikki, I want you to come home." I smile a little,

"Really? You do? Can I come home now?" I look around at the other teenagers, all on the phone, most of them crying. They tell their parents they can't come home and here I am begging to be allowed back, I laugh and then think to myself for a moment.

"Of course you can, I miss you more than words can say and I don't think you need to be in that place any longer."

"How am I going to get home?"

"Zane will pick you up."

"Zane?"

"Yeah, he is here right now. He is really worried about you, he has been here every day since you left, he misses you so much and so do I."

"I miss you both too." I smile again and then look around,

"I am about a four hour drive away from our house." I hear him tell Zane and then he asks my exact location, I close my eyes, grinning as I tell him. I was going home and that's all that mattered.

----

"Rikki?" I look up from my seat and smile when I see the boy in front of me, I stand up quickly and shrug at him shyly.

"I missed you so much." He whispers, gathering me up in his arms and kissing me with more passion than I ever felt in my life. I gasp a little when he pulls back and I wrap my arms around his neck, this was what real happiness felt like.

"I am not going to let you hurt again." He says as he takes me outside, and puts me into his car. I nod and then watch as he gets into the driver's seat, I grab his hand and smile.

"I love you Zane."

"I love you too. Now let's get you come, your Dad is waiting to wrap his arms around you." I nod and then look out the window.

It was over, the worst part was finished, complete. I was going to be okay, my life was going to be back to normal. Happiness could be found, even though it seems like I fought so hard to obtain it. But in the end I achieved the one thing I had been looking for, and that was love. I finally found the one person I loved more than anything else in the world, I was late realizing who it was but I was always a bit slow. I laughed a little as I looked at the grin on Zane's face. I was home. This was my home and I was planning on staying here.

"_**Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end."**_

**The End. **


End file.
